You want to be... you?

You have been locking yourself up for too long at a time, these days.

It has become increasingly difficult to get out, because of the mounds of books to read, CDs to listen to, and DVDs to watch. They have practically blocked my way out of the house.

If you have piles of blueprints and recipes for hands-on projects, they should take you outside for procurement of necessary materials and ingredients.

I have those as well. Lately, I have been a bit paralyzed by the brutal truth that I may not be able to finish all I want to during my lifetime, or even start some of the projects.

Would it be better if you had already completed everything you wanted to at this point?

It would be awfully lonely at the summit, you know.

You shouldn't talk as if you knew how it is to be at the top! Humility is your credo, remember?

I have an epiphany once in a while, and one of the latest is how hard it is if you are part of the cream of the crop.

At least, you are not claiming to be that creamy bit.

What if you understand others, but they don't understand you? Most damagingly, they fail to understand that they do not understand?

Do you have a specific case in mind here? In your very vicinity, perhaps?

If you understand that the others do not understand you, but they themselves fail to understand that, you are obliged to play a patronizing role.

Like a parent toward a child, you mean?

Precisely. Mind you, it is not equivalent to condescension or belittlement. It would be, however, if you tell her/him that you understand while s/he does not. In any case, you have more control of the situation than others.

What's wrong with that?

It's no fun playing a parent all the time, especially with people who are supposed to be your friends. Some of us have to be parents to our own parents, although they are not senile.

It is impossible to be the one who comprehends more and controls on all occasions, though.

I agree, and that is the case with your equals. Sometimes, you have a better grip of the situation and other times not. What I enjoy about being among my equals is that they have convincing ways of representing various views, in particular the ones that I previously thought would never subscribe to or about the subjects that I had no knowledge of.

The reasons for their support would be at the level that you would understand, but not too low that you would be dismissing them despite their validity.

We could say that we speak the same language in those instances. A three-hour monologue on how a family funeral went could be well bearable, even thought-provoking and entertaining, if it were by an equal.

If not, you consider listening to such talks community service. Right?

Going back to the issue of understanding, we tend to mistake the frequency of contact with the degree of understanding. The more often and regularly we get in touch, the more we share information about each other. The volume of information gives us an illusion that our interpretations of the events are identical.

Until s/he tells you without your solicitation what you should be doing during the next five years...

Once I realized that the depths of understanding and empathy are animals quite different from the frequency of contact and that the problem had been my confusion of the two, the bulk of my frustration dissipated.

What do you think about comments regarding how you should live in more general terms?

We usually hear such statements when people find something that they disapprove of in us.

If an approval, it could at best encourage the person in that direction, and at worst sound supercilious just like in the case of disapproval.

Some tell us not to view life the way we do. I am of the opinion that saying so would only do harm and no good. The issue concerns our whole personality, so in effect, they are saying that we as persons have much to be desired.

Nobody is willing to change her/his entire self.

Exceptions may be people who wish to free themselves of dependency on certain relationships, thoughts and/or substances. Even they have the desire to keep the core of who they are.

Without some kind of continuity, it does not make sense to talk about selves.

Besides, who are we to tell others that their outlook on life is wrong? Another factor against doing so is that willingness to change oneself can never be effectively imposed upon by someone else. Plus, sometimes people have strange motives, but their manifestations are good. Other times their motives are good, but the manifestations are harmful to the rest of the world.

We should be very careful when we criticize others' thinking, especially if the person takes thinking seriously. Am I right?

Have you noticed that the same self-appointed counselors talk about confidence in oneself?

Now, now...

But I never ask them for any advice! Anyway, I used to be rather unsure of myself, but...

You, unsure of yourself?

I am good at fooling others with my non-assertive veneer.

A wolf in a red riding hood?

I used to have a lot of questions to which I knew no good answers. That made me act uncertain and look devoid of confidence on some occasions. What they did not realize was that I have been introspective enough to be uncertain about some issues.

It is always possible to interpret anything in the world in a self-serving way. What can I say, you are the champion!

It's a matter of age, too. You must have noticed that some dose of assertiveness comes with it. I admit that life is easier with I-don't-give-a-damn-what-you-think attitude, but it can prevent me from improving myself through prompts from outside.

Improvement above all else for you?

You can say that. I don't want to become one of the grown-ups that I used to despise as a child or a teenager: a person who is dead but does not know that s/he is, or who is alive but deadly arrogant and inflexible.

Aren't you exhibiting a symptom of Peter-Pan syndrome?

Talking about confidence, I have had interesting experiences. The same set of people who extol about it are shocked when I tell them that I like being myself.

May I point out that anybody would be shocked?

How am I supposed to be self-confident otherwise? In any case, what bothers them most is that I'd rather be me than them. I don't volunteer that information, of course, only if they get on my case regarding confidence and so forth.

"You have such a marvelous human being right in front of you, and you're saying you would not want to be that person but yourself?" That kind of reaction?

I would then know that their talks about the importance of self-esteem were about my wishing to be like them, although they might not have been conscious about it. In other words, I am supposed to participate in their self-assuring program, not mine.

So much for free counseling!

Imagine their looks when I further confess that I quite like myself who always see room for improvement in who I am, and that betterment is toward becoming more myself, not anyone else.

Are the looks something much worse than what you see now?

You are you, and I am not you. We should be happy about all that!

Have you realized that you are putting imperfect you above perfect others?

If it offends you, that's because you lack self-confidence, comrade...

But I would not believe it

Do you understand me?

...

Do you think you understand me?

... Before I answer, tell me what has motivated you to pose these questions.

Are your answers dependent on what I have in mind? They shouldn't be.

I disagree on that one. What if a good friend asks you, "Do you think I'm hopeless?"

Not much can be more pathetic than a question like that! You shouldn't mingle with such people.

Well, I tend to think that you are one of them.

That's... an offense, an insult, an act of derision, of insolence, it's a, it's a... I would never, ever say such a thing!

If so, you shouldn't react like that, you know...

I am deeply disappointed that, after all this time, you have not realized that I am a person full of, or rather overflowing with, pride. So much so that it gets in my way.

I answered your two questions, it seems.

You have demonstrated that you do not understand me, but you may still think that you do.

It looks like I have to put it bluntly. I don't think anyone understands you, and I don't think anyone thinks s/he understands you.

I wish what you said were true.

You don't want to be understood?

The brutal fact is that nobody understands anyone, including her/himself, completely.

If we can only incompletely understand each other and if we admit it, why are we here?

To differentiate what we understand from what we do not, and to strive for greater understanding.

Doesn't it mean that we should aim for complete understanding when we know it is unattainable? It sounds useless, pointless, meaningless, futile, unrewarding, stupid...

Without efforts to reach a goal, we will slip further away from that most desirable state. It is true for almost all human conditions: as an individual, the states of body and mind, and as a member of a group/community, the states of interactions and contributions.

After one day of no dancing practice, the effects are noticeable only to the dancer her/himself. After three days, her/his fellow dancers see it, and after a week the audience. Something like that?

Yes, although the ultimate purpose of practicing is to dance perfectly, if s/he does not practice, s/he would not even be able to maintain the imperfect, and yet the highest, level that has been reached.

Isn't it also true that when s/he thinks s/he is perfect, there is no more room for improvement and it is time to retire?

For the professionals in competitive sports, the equivalent would be when they no longer feel the irrepressible urge to win.

Can't we say, then, that we'd better retire from this business named life when we stop thinking about improving ourselves as human beings?

Have you noticed that there are so many of what we could call deadwood around us?

I am concerned that increasingly more people turn into deadwood as we age.

Nothing is more boring, annoying and damaging than people who think they understand when they do not, or they have understood enough when they have not. "Croyez ceux qui cherchent la vérité, doutez de ceux qui la trouvent," you remember?

"Believe the ones who are in search of the truth, and doubt those who find it." André Gide, I think.

One of the biggest problems for me is that I cannot tell them that they do not understand.

Saying so requires the assumption that you understand that they do not understand.

To hint at it is not only against my taste, but also counterproductive. If they are to be convinced of the necessity of further understanding, they need to reach that conclusion by themselves.

I know that you also abhor the arrogance behind the thoughts that s/he understands well.

All of us have moments with that idea, but it is something that should be kept to ourselves. Socrates went further and genuinely believed that he did not know anything.

"I know that I know nothing." That one, right? But doesn't that clash with your dictum that attractive persons are self-confident?

Self-confidence comes in various shades. I'd say many are of false kinds. They make us act self-confidently, chiefly because we are supposed to; they degenerate into aggression, overreaction at the slightest evidence against our worth, and lack of grace. Truly self-confident people do not intimidate others, readily admit their lack of information and mistakes, and all that without letting others and her/himself lose faith in her/him.

When you asked me if I understood you, should I have said that I do not understand you entirely, but I'm trying my best to understand better?

What matters more is actions, and people can act contradictorily to their own words, as we know too well.

You shouldn't take words too lightly, though. What if someone says you are an idiot, but s/he trusts you with tasks that s/he wouldn't to others?

My interpretation would be that almost everyone is an idiot in her/his world and I happen to be the least idiotic.

But you remain hurt and/or offended by being called an idiot.

Not after I am convinced that idiots alone inhabit in her/his world.

What if you are in love with someone, and that person says s/he doesn't understand you?

I value honesty above all.

Really?

Okay, let's say honesty with diplomacy. Anyway, I would be highly suspicious of someone who says everything about me is great.

How so?

Anyone of that opinion has a small brain or a long agenda.

Does it mean that only the weak-minded and the wicked-minded would be in love with you?

We should stay away from discussing romantic relationships for now. That is altogether a different territory where logic breaks down more than often. By the way, you shouldn't confuse "I don't agree with you" and "I don't understand you."

You are right, the second one is much more about the person as a whole. We say the first phrase more often and casually. Isn't it true, though, that the ones who make passes at you look like they would score very low on an IQ test?

I think that is why they make passes at anyone, including me. You may think that any gesture to show interest is a compliment to the target, but I can tell you that it can get very depressing, sometimes repelling.

I remember your getting angry, not depressed.

I want to be left alone sometimes, because people do not understand me, and what is worse is that they do not acknowledge that they do not understand. I have no desire to explain why they do not understand, or why I am not like them, because if I do, I would end up offending them.

We all want others to try to understand us. Otherwise, we would feel that nobody cares about us, or worse, that nobody acknowledges our presence.

I am always ready to give basic respect to everyone. I also demand that in return. As for certain people, I would take it as an insult if they think they understand me.

It's more than the people who make passes at you, I presume.

The curious thing is that if I enjoy, rather than be bothered by, the label, 'weird,' people who masterminded it change their thoughts.

They start thinking that there must be something good about the way you are?

I never intended to make use of psychology for such a purpose, but in effect, I have.

Don't worry, it hasn't worked on me.

"I wish someone could tell me who I am. But I know that I would not believe it." Do you happen to remember who said it?

Hmmm... it doesn't ring a bell. Is it... yours?

I would never pull your leg like that.

I'm trying my best to understand...