Wrinkles, falling hair, and the list

What are you doing? Some kind of calculation, I see. But it doesn't look like a simple addition, so you are not trying to figure out how much you spent on groceries last week.

First, I started thinking about how many days I have lived so far. Then, I wanted to know how many hours, and then minutes.

How many digit group separator did you have to use?

I was just wondering if I should adopt the SI English style or the SI French style.

I wouldn't recommend the Indian version. It requires more separators.

Anyway, the number is staggering. I'm going to throw away this paper, right at this moment.

That doesn't change the fact that you have wasted so many minutes of your life already.

Why do you think I have wasted my time?

It's just my guess. If you are totally satisfied with the way you have spent your time, you wouldn't be tossing the paper over your shoulder like you just did.

Okay, I am going to pick it up and... eat it, perhaps.

Some people turn to all sorts of diet to fix life's problems, but I would stay away from eating it. You just have to accept that you have come so far in life.

I learned Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken," when I was in primary school. I liked the image of paths in the forest, because I had just left a country with relatively well preserved nature to settle in another with little nature conservation. I thought I would never have the chance to go back to that country where I found true nature.

You could understand a bit about making choices in life.

Around that time, I also became aware how much our choices are influenced by the societies we live in.

I didn't know that you were rather precocious.

Of course, I did not think in those terms, but I noticed that what people consider universal truths are not so. I came to that conclusion from observing daily activities, such as eating, dressing, and greeting. As far as I know, what licorice is in Sweden is what chocolate is in UK. Ice cream is a favorite all over the world, but its ranking differs. It is pretty normal to have chocolate sprinkles on your bread for breakfast if you happen to be a Dutch child, but your British mother may not allow you to have "chocolate for breakfast."

Just because that's "not what we do."

Most of the time, people make choices unconsciously or think that they do not have any other option. But that is often because they are bound by social conventions. We think that we rationally form our opinion, but are deeply affected by personal experiences.

If you had never learned, at age seven, that the baby-faced, bachelor clerk at the post office eloped with the wife of the postmaster and she left three kids behind, you would have different thoughts about life. That kind of a thing?

Or, your classmate stops coming to school one day, because she is kidnapped and you never see her again. It could even be fleeing from the secret police knocking on the door of your house.

What about falling flat on your face near L'Arc de Triomphe in Paris?

Let's ignore that one... Going back to the issue of how much time is already gone, I am now keenly aware that if I do B now, I will not have the time to do C in my life. I have lived long enough to know that project B will take as long as project A did, leaving no time for project C. I also know how much effort and attention project A required, and wonder if I am ready to go through the same for B or C. I have never thought about my activities in this way, and it's plain awful.

You used to take up whatever you wanted to without thinking much about its consequences.

And with gusto!

Many paths are closed permanently for you anyway, simply because it is too late in your life to start training, for example, to become a gymnast even if you had the talent to become one.

In that sense, the choices have greatly diminished at around age five and again around age ten, but that is not how we see our lives when we are so young. There must have been the last day when you used a diaper, but you don't think at that very instance, "Gee, I'm getting so old that I don't need a diaper any longer. I'm a step closer to the end."

One minute today is still of the same length as a minute was five years ago, but it starts to feel as if time were accelerating.

The sign of old age is not wrinkles, baldness, or the internal clock gone amok, but the realization that you will be leaving this world with a list of things that you would love to do, but have no time for.

Or, talent for that matter. Don't worry, you made the right decision by not trying to go to the Olympics as a gymnast. Why not look at the list of your accomplishments, by the way?

I put it in the recycling bin.

I meant figuratively!

I am beginning to understand what an older friend of mine said some time ago. To end your life graciously is a major undertaking.

Without regret, but also without too much of self-justification.

Ideally, you should be fully functional and willing to live until the day before your death and perfectly happy to leave the next day.

Self-immolation, duel, and suicide-bombing may fit your criteria...

It's a lopsided world

Happiness and unhappiness are usually presented as a pair, something that neatly divides the world into two halves.

And we struggle everyday to eliminate the unhappy half.

We say to ourselves that there are happy moments and unhappy moments, good times as well as bad times. Do you really think this world is symmetric in that sense?

Isn't it like a stock market? We never have bull market all the time, but not always bear market, either. It's even a proverb in many languages: every cloud has a silver lining; après la pluie, le beau temps; después de la tormenta, llega la calma...

But they don't refer to the ratio of the two. If we are prone to be happy as much as unhappy, why aren't there as many positive comments on the Internet as negative ones?

I see a lot of rave reviews for what I think is not so great.

Well, I do, too. But there is always one, sometimes more, hate comment, and that tends to spoil the entire experience.

If we have built-in inclination to hate, as we discussed a bit last time, and if our happiness is as fragile as you purport it to be, what kind of world do we live in?

I guess we are coming to agreement. Think about it, when you come back home from work or school, do you report good news more often than bad ones?

You shouldn't think everybody is like you. I talk about the beautiful flowers I saw on the way back, a nice display window that I found, an announcement for a concert that would be interesting to attend...

What about people? Suppose someone you don't know on the street gives you a condescending look for a reason unknown to you. Wouldn't that ruin your evening?

It could, but I know that it's a bad idea to focus on a trivial event like that. Besides, how can I be sure that it was condescension and that it was directed at me?

But you have to force yourself not to think about it.

True, but training yourself not to be disturbed by such things is easy.

It requires conscious effort, though. In contrast, talking about it comes more easily.

Is that what you have been referring to as asymmetry? If so, it is the same with good things that happen to us. It is easier to talk about them than not to.

I'd still say that the degree of "passion" tends to be higher for unpleasant events. Plus, they make better conversation fodder than pleasant ones.

Let me try here... "I saw an unusually lush bush of bougainvillea, today. It was very beautiful." "Oh, that's nice. Where did you see it?"

"Near the little grocer's at the corner." "Talking about that store, it's annoying that they don't carry any more the kind of olives that I really like." "I've also noticed that they charge much more than they should for organic produce."

You've managed to turn my happy conversation to an exchange of complaints! Perhaps you haven't, but I have experienced many passionate conversations on things that I like: food, places to visit, music, art, literature, and much more.

My take is that people have more things to complain about than to praise. We also tend to get more worked up when complaining. We hear more about people who complain too much than about those who are happy all the time.

That's precisely because we are all complainers; we complain about others' complaints. Is this what you mean?

That's not all. When you see positive sides of things most of the time, people think you are naive at best, and dishonest or conceited at worst. It's jealousy that comes into play, because you manage to be happy.

You may get along well with Catholic theologists. They believe in original sin, you know.

I don't agree with the details of that idea, but I do think they have a point. Without efforts to be otherwise, we remain beastly beings. But rejoice, my dear comrade, we are endowed with this wonderful faculty called consciousness and that allows us to make efforts.

Doesn't it also make you reflect on things in life that you'd rather not think about?

What can I say except that everything is a double-edged sword. If you take more medicine than is prescribed, it doesn't cure you faster, but most likely make you ill in another way and may even kill you. Many people think meditation necessarily brings peace of mind, but you can also deepen your hatred by thinking alone in a dark room.

Or, fear for that matter. What about tools for torture and killing, such as iron maiden and guns? Is there anything good about them?

I was trying to be positive.

You're covering up your sloppiness with your fake optimism!

You are right, optimism requires taking certain facts lightly. But it is not the same as ignoring them. We have invented oblique ways of reference, such as jokes and cynicism, and I am all for optimism generously laced with biting jokes and cynical remarks.

You are aware that people are going to disagree with your definition of "biting jokes"?

Yes, some may say "nasty," but life goes on anyway...

Despite our nastiness and unhappiness.

Behind our masks

I didn't know about the situation in South Korea when I said blood would flow if we knew what we thought about each other.

And kill each other? As far as I know, there are still little under 50 million people in the country. In other words, they haven't annihilated themselves.

It concerns the Internet where you can say anonymously whatever you wish. It gives you a wide range of possible targets, too. Billions of postings are out there.

Anonymity plus the volume of postings guarantee that there will be no percussion... Tell me, what's happening in the Republic of Korea?

The latest is the death of an actress, Choi Jin Sil, very well known in her country. Apparently, online slanders became so bad that she was driven to suicide. I heard that a few other Korean celebrities have suffered the same fate, namely, accusations on the Internet, depression and suicide.

I also have received hate mail from people who could be identified only by their rather cryptic e-mail addresses. It was very disturbing, to say the least, but I never imagined that it could be that bad.

Whenever I read comments posted on the Internet, the depth of ill feelings surprises me, as well as the number of hate postings. I don't understand how someone can get so agitated by an opinion of a person with whom they have never had interaction before.

It is easier to understand if you get upset by statements from someone whom you know and you happen to have grudge against.

In addition, you do not have to say anything controversial to be picked as a target. Read some of the book reviews by people who purchase books online. The rawness of some of them gives me goose bumps.

Quite a bit of frustration must have been accumulated, and that negative emotion about something else is being unleashed at the same time, I imagine.

I read more American websites than others, and I used to think that it was an American phenomenon. Now that I have read Japanese ones and learned that the Internet is the primary cause of suicide among celebrities in Korea, I am convinced that it is a worldwide malady.

A small sample for such a sweeping conclusion, I'd say.

True, I have read some French commentaries and they were not that bad. But I guess that is because I have not visited Francophone sites extensively.

Isn't it surprising that so many people get angry so easily to the extent that they have to lash out?

Definitely. As you implied, it cannot be one posting that turns a calm and happy person into a malicious and evil one. That means, numerous people on this planet are suffering from lack of warm and caring human networks.

What is the connection between anger and human networks?

Suppose you enjoy good relationships with your family, friends, neighbors and co-workers. And perhaps with people you see on the street, too. Will you be inclined to attack someone at the slightest opportunity?

I thought you were of the opinion that we all have at least one hate project.

That's true, but at most a handful and for things like, cats because of your allergic reaction to them, your parents for lack of understanding, McDonald's for the same reason as José Bové is against it, etc.

We are often surprised when people talk about their hate projects.

Yes, I can sympathize with them, but still cannot help wondering if they have to get upset so much. To others, the degree of hatred is rather excessive.

So, what are your hate projects?

Shhhhh! The enemy is around!

Okay, I will spare you, if you spare me.

I have adopted a policy some time ago, with respect to making my own evaluation public. I would only say things that I dare to say directly to the person concerned.

You're mindful of leaks and rumors.

I would like to retain control over what I say, and considering human nature, I should be prepared that whatever I say about a person would eventually reach her/him, possibly with embellishments. As we have seen in Choi Jin Sil's case, rumors can become very damaging.

No gossiping, then. Doesn't it make you a bore?

I'm afraid it does. Worse, I have a feeling that many people think I'm stuck-up, but I would feel very uncomfortable acting otherwise.

You are not against my spreading around whatever you tell me about anyone.

In principle, no. I am ready to face people about whatever I say about them. But don't you agree that there can be much more to talking than saying 'you know, Monsieur Untel said such and such about Madame Unetelle'?

Gossiping seems to be as natural as hating...

I think our "innate" tendency to hate explains why there are bloody conflicts around the world.

And why we may not see an end to all that. It seems that we continue to come up with more innovative ways to harm others, as is the case with Internet triggered suicides.

"Men, in the course of civilizing themselves, have only complicated their barbarity and refined their misery."

Paul Bourget. Right?

Is God your best friend?

Do you know what friends are for?

I don't like the way you look at me.

In general terms, of course, not about any specific case that we know.

To have the kind of fun that is not possible by yourself.

It is easy to say who are your friends as long as you are having fun together---share information on common interests, participate in an event together, exchange jokes that are appreciated by the other, etc.

It's no fun to be with people who are gloomy, angry, bitter, or...

What if a friend of yours makes a comparison between you and her/him aloud and concludes that s/he is better?

Aloud?

How else would I know the comparison and its conclusion?

But what for?

That's precisely my question.

Do you usually come out inferior in that comparison?

Not usually, but always. They must be suffering from some sort of insecurity, I understand that much. What I don't understand is why I am chosen to be the comparison material, and why do they need to let the compared know about the negative outcome.

You must have done something to provoke them.

I swear I have not! You know that I am not into bragging, flaunting and such.

Perhaps your so-called subtle way of showing-off gets on their nerves.

The problem is not much about why it happens, but more about what should I do with them.

I recommend not to slap them in the face.

Don't they cease to be friends the moment they make a comparison such as, "You may have majored in math, but I'm much better at abstract thinking" in front of me?

Had you been talking about intelligence?

No. That line came out of the blue.

Weird... I smell some pent up frustration. Be aware, people have different definitions of friendship.

What about friends who approve of everything you do?

I knew you were one of those skeptical types.

If you like someone, you tend to approve of things that s/he does. It also happens that even when you do not approve of it, you don't say so, because you would not want to upset her/him.

You care about the relationship.

I'm not sure if that is the case, because if you really care about your friend, you must be telling her/him that it is not good.

It depends on what it concerns, though.

True, like the case of a toxic lover turned fiancé/e. Never meddle in others' love affairs.

Suppose you are a professional football player and a son of your very good friend aspires to be one. When you watch him play, you see immediately that he does not have the talent to make it. What do you do?

It may be cruel to encourage him.

On the other hand, you know that you are not God, and...

I am not?

You are not, and you cannot say with absolute certainty that he would fail as a professional player.

These days, I am no longer certain who is telling the truth about me. When they are positive, I don't know whether that is because they are biased as friends, their priority is not to upset me, or something else. When they are negative, I don't know whether they are dumping their frustration about themselves onto me, or being extra nice to tell me the brutal truth.

Ah, your paranoia, again.

The funny thing is that my instincts tell me one way or another.

What's the problem, then?

Instincts are simply instincts, and the rationalist side of me is against putting too much weight on them. Plus, according to my instincts, there are too many people who are insecure and whom I should stay away from.

Do you think you are good as a friend? We should always examine ourselves before turning to others, ahem.

I'm not sure about that one, either. There is always a fine balance between how much to give and to take. It is not exclusively about tangible items, but also about time, effort, thinking capacity, and so on.

According to some, a tutor and a student can be friends, although the the flow of information is one-way. I suppose the tutor gets great satisfaction out of sharing information.

We shouldn't be keeping tallies, but all involved should have a feeling of mutual benefit.

The fact that you think about it suggests that you've got a problem!

What if you ask your friend to do something for you and s/he declines?

I know that some have declined to pose as your lovers for the purpose of discouraging people whom you call totally unsavory admirers.

What if it concerns something on which your happiness depends?

You should never let your well-being be dependent on the state of the world.

But it shows that this friend in question does not understand me, doesn't it?

Perhaps s/he doesn't understand you and/or care about you.

Is s/he a friend then?

As I said, we have different definitions for friends. It may be that s/he wanted to tell you something implicitly, as a friend. Besides, you can't have all of your "friends" think and act as if you were the most important person and event in their lives. That happens only between lovers, and even then, almost exclusively during the honeymoon period.

What about these claims---God loves everyone; he always has you in mind?

God should be nice toward pagans and infidels, too, but...

In her/his own very idiosyncratic way.

Business is not always business-like

I am again in a trouble because of misunderstanding.

It's time that you give up trying to be polite. People can tell that you are in fact angry or upset, even without a word to that effect. It's written all over your face! Why not talk to the party concerned about the misunderstanding?

There are certain things you should never be explicit about.

For example?

A good friend of yours is dating someone whose characters you do not approve of. Not only that, but you also think your friend is being taken advantage of.

What are you going to say to your friend when you learn that they are engaged---that kind of a thing?

Support as much as possible for your friend's sake, and never, ever tell her/him that you thought their relationship would not last or it is good that they are no longer together when they do break up.

In other words, you advocate dishonesty.

I am not saying that we should lie. We only have to keep some thoughts buried. The most important one among them is about people whom we know. I have seen enough evaluation of sorts to conclude that no collection of evaluation given without the presence of the subject would satisfy her/him. The comments and the ranting we see on the Internet are great pieces of evidence.

Even our thoughts about friends and family members?

Definitely. It is astonishing how highly we think of ourselves and how strictly we judge others.

But again, that's part of the wiring for survival, isn't it?

It is. I did a little experiment by telling people that blood would flow and none of us would be alive, if all of us knew what we thought about each other.

My goodness...

I think my audience was not sophisticated enough. They were shocked and gave a nervous laugh. I got a feeling that they genuinely hated me for the next few minutes.

Aren't you the one who lack sophistication to say such a thing? Plus, you blame the victims for your wrongdoing. You're lucky if you got it off like that.

What if they often bad-mouth other people behind their back? And what if I happen to hear from both of the two factions?

Attention! Here's a spy!

Why not a double agent? Anyway, they never articulate their frustrations to the other side, and when they are together they banter as if they were friends. When I think about the venom that they spit in the others' absence, I would never be able to trust either side.

You are surprised that they were shocked by your statement.

Our nature makes us grossly overestimate ourselves, and it prevents us from imagining that the "others" may also be unhappy about their "others," including us.

The great misunderstanding of yours has something to do with evaluation of others, I take it.

In a way, yes. I believe in being business-like about... business! When I do my work thoroughly, some people benefit more from it than others, and that makes them think that I like the former more as persons than the latter. It's crazy.

It must mean that if you want your colleagues to do something that is related to your task, you have to be chummy with them.

Yes, and that makes the whole operation unreliable, because personal preferences are never static.

You want stability.

The primary purpose of going to our workplace is to contribute in the best way we can to the organization. We should strive to make decisions that are independent of likes and dislikes about people. I cannot get over it that not many people seem to agree with this principle.

What about personal satisfaction from engaging in that business? That could be the primary reason for going to work.

Few of us are lucky enough to do for a living what we like and enjoy...