Once we were hunters (and most still are)

Do you remember talking about my classmates in language classes? The ones who were jealous about me for odd reasons?

Are you sure that they were angry about your language capabilities?

I realized that the same psychology is behind almost all our actions.

Misplaced jealousy, you mean?

We can say more generally, rivalry. We feel competitive against people who live similarly to the way we do and whom we happen to know. We live to outdo them.

I didn't know that your life goal was to get ahead of your next door neighbor!

Others who live differently---who belong to a different tribe, class, nation, gender, etc.---are less prone to become targets of jealousy, even if they are much more endowed.

Didn't you tell me that a classmate in your Klingon course stood up during pronunciation exercises and said, "If someone from the Andromeda Galaxy can say that word right, I should be able to."?

Such things happen... The comment by the student from the Triangulum Galaxy was based on the thought that both galaxies are known to produce linguistically handicapped creatures and that Andromeda was worse on that score. The fact that they were in the same class had already set the stage for the Triangulumian to feel competitive against the Andromedean.

Having hailed from places which are comparable in terms of notoriety for their inaptness in languages, the Triangulumian felt much stronger jealousy... Tell me, did this student manage to master Klingon pronunciation?

If she had been equipped with the ability, she wouldn't have had to make that declaration in the middle of the class. By the way, do you also remember why we are eager to own more and something better than the people around us?

The things that we own and the persons to whom we are closely related are extensions of who we are. By adding more extensions, we attempt to become more powerful than others.

In sum, we want to be superior to the people around us, and one way to achieve this end is to accumulate objects and relationships. There is more to this equation, though. Most of us not only wish to acquire more, but also enjoy the process of acquiring.

Don't count me in. I am one of those who prefer to go straight to the item that I intend to purchase in the store, pay, and get out as quickly as possible.

It doesn't have to be shopping. I know that some people are into fishing, because they love to eat what they catch, but I also know some others who release immediately whatever tugs the line.

Are they vegetarian fishermen who use fishing lures?

Not necessarily. Most of them go to the supermarket to purchase fish for dinner.

Does that make sense?

We can say that the process of making something our own brings us satisfaction.

That sounds familiar, all of the sudden. What about chasing a potential lover until that person becomes interested in you?

It is another case of cherishing the process more than the prize at the end.

Aren't we talking about rather perverse cases here?

Many of us love bargain hunting.

But we also value what we end up buying.

Are you sure about that? You must have some items in your closet that you bought with great excitement because you thought they were good deals, but are now covered with a thick layer of dust.

How did you find out about my wear-on-your-wrist mosquito detector?

Suppose everybody knows what is available at what price, at which store, at what time.

There would be no opportunity for bargain hunting.

Exactly. We tend to think that perfect information is always better than imperfect information, but not so. Many enjoy making use of that imperfection.

And, it has to be you who has less imperfect information than the rest of us, right?

That is what everyone wishes for her/himself. The joy of finding a good deal comes from outwitting the masses. Suppose you come across a great find and purchase it. That should make you happy.

But if I discover the following day that everybody in the neighborhood bought exactly the same thing at the same price...

Or even slightly cheaper...

I would feel very disappointed. I may even feel stupid or angry.

You see? Here, too, is the desire to be better off than others.

I thought it was more about outwitting others.

You are right---the word, 'outwitting,' is more suited for our discussion. The word can nicely explain our attraction not only to good-deal hunting, but also to animal hunting and fishing. In the latter, it is about outwitting the animals and fish that you want to catch.

Whereas in good-deal hunting, it is about outwitting other buyers.

We could say that we outsmart the sellers, too, because we are paying less than we are willing to for that particular item or service. Or at least, that is how we perceive good bargains. In some cases, the sellers succeed in giving us that impression through clever merchandising.

That's true. I have seen advertisements for offers with limitations. It is valid only for members, only for a certain period, or while the supply lasts.

They sometimes take the opposite tack and say that it is an opportunity that nobody should miss. If you do, you are stupid.

But you know, I derive satisfaction from taking advantage of a good deal, and that without talking about it to other people.

Do you feel smart and lucky when you find a deal of your liking?

I don't feel dumb and unlucky for sure!

You will feel dumb if you later learn that the 'deal' was not exactly so.

I may not confirm that the deal is truly a deal by boasting about it to others, but it is important for my satisfaction that I believe in its value. Is this your point?

Yes, you need to be convinced that you have gone about more cleverly than others.

Deal-hunting is all about trying to be smarter than people around us, then...

Do you know what is so infuriating about the squirrels that feast on your strawberries in the garden and manage to avoid your traps?

They steal my fruits of labor.

That, of course. More crucially, they are outsmarting you.

With their tiny brains! I wouldn't ask them for shopping advice, though.

The other side of the coin is that our aversion to being outwitted is so strong that it prevents many of us from behaving cooperatively.

We are afraid that compromising would be taken as a sign of weakness and submission.

It is possible to get the message across that it is not so, but that would be a long-term project.

Civility and civilization are time consuming...

Our view is supported by the evolution of Slow Food movement into a more general Slow Movement.

We have talked about how proximity breeds jealousy. I think it is also true that proximity engenders compassion.

How does that work?

When I was in primary school, we were taught that we should not forget that we are all alike. Therefore, if an act by someone inflicts pain on us, we should not act similarly upon others. In short, we were told to be nice to each other, because we were more or less the same.

What your teacher taught you is ideal and what I argued is reality.

I disagree. When we think that the other party consists of beings which are below us, we hesitate little in hating them. Consider war propaganda, for example. But once we recognize that they are human beings, just as we are, we develop warm feelings toward them.

If that were true, we would have no conflict among people who recognize that all of us are of the same species.

I'd say some of us have not embraced that fact.

We can say that. But attaining that understanding is not the end of the story.

How so?

Once we get used to each other, or realize that we are alike, we enter the situation that I described.

Competition against one another?

There is a honeymoon period in any relationship, be it between persons or between a person and an object---we talked about it some time ago. The ideal is to stay at that stage, but the reality is that sooner or later it degenerates.

Little respect for each other? But how do you explain your case of helping the starving babies in Darfur, then? That is based on the recognition that we are all on the same boat.

Many of us are ready to help others if doing so would not empower them to threaten our standing.

You're terrible...

You're shooting the messenger, my dear comrade. Think about it, life would be deadly boring if there were no room to strive for the ideal!

That's what friends are for

Tell me, why did you come today?

Is that a greeting? I arrived on time, although you are not Barack or Hugo, or sister Sonja for that matter...

My dear comrade, it is a simple and honest question.

We finally agreed to meet today after nearly a month of feet dragging on your part.

You didn't have to come, though.

¡Madre mía! We set up an appointment, but you did not want me to come?

Comrade, I am glad that you came, but I wouldn't go to your house and pound on the door in case you failed to show up.

I came because... We're friends, aren't we?

It is that question which has been bothering me. Why are we friends?

That one... Aren't we stuck with each other in a way?

The give-and-take elements in relationships have come to my mind more often than I like lately.

What did you---or I---do to make myself feel obliged to come here?

I do not wish to claim that all of my friends have the explicit intentions to benefit from keeping me as a friend. There are instances when I sense their true concern for me.

That statement sounds rather weak.

It does to me as well. In too many cases, I cannot dispel the idea that I serve some purpose in their lives.

I thought that is how friendships should be.

What I call 'some purpose' includes all sorts of things. For example, I know that some people like being seen with me.

Really? Do they work for a circus or a You-Wouldn't-Believe-It museum?

It's just that there are too many sloppy dressers around that if you pay a nano second of attention to what you wear, you are more or less a winner.

That says something about your living environment rather than you... If they don't work for a circus or the like and still want to be seen with you, isn't it because your allure is rather off the mainstream?

Some keep me on their friends' lists just because there are not many who were born in that odd corner of the world.

What is there to complain? You are contributing to diversity.

To some, I am a little lamb to be saved, and that is why they like me.

Proselytizing? I see that they hardly have any clue about you.

There are some others who like me because I always share all costs incurred during an outing.

What's wrong with that?

Others like me because I let them grab the bill.

A patronizing type can be useful, though.

Some others think I am worse off than they are in all aspects of life, and that is why they like me.

There isn't anyone who likes you because you always take out your wallet before s/he does? ... By the way, we do like some people who are superior in just about everything.

That doesn't happen unless it is a person who is distinguished for talent that we value. As Seneca the Younger said, "[E]nvy operates on what is at hand, but we can more openly admire things from a distance."

It is easier to be fond of a movie star than an acquaintance who has it all and whom you have the opportunities to see in person.

The funny thing is that the acquaintance usually has much less than the movie star, but we tend to harbor jealousy for the former and admiration for the latter. I have had analogous experiences in language classes, especially at the beginner's level.

Why beginner's level?

The student body would contain so many with no linguistic aptitude, and they would drop out before reaching advanced levels.

Whereas you would go to higher levels and never see them again in the same class---is this what you mean?

They would hate me with passion!

Comrade, that is quite a novel way of bragging.

But it's true! It made no sense, because there are millions of people in this entire universe who have studied and become fluent in Klingon, and my classmates were not jealous about them. They admired the fluent speakers, but hated me.

Are you sure it was all about language skills?

Never mind the native Klingon speakers; they, too, were off limits.

If their rotten command of the language was making your classmates feel nasty, they should have hated the ones with the most agility in that language. But instead, they turned to the fluent speakers with dreamy, starry eyes, and to you with angry, square ones... Are you sure it was about foreign languages alone?

Should I say that my classmates in any subject hated me, because I am a polymath?

And you have been preaching us about modesty!

It was just a rhetorical question, comrade. Getting back to the discussion of what constitutes a friendship, it is not that I constantly scrutinize each relationship.

Am I supposed to believe so after this discussion?

I don't devise a strategy every time I see a friend. It's just that sometimes what they say or do makes me realize why they like me.

Are you sure they don't hate you?

An ideal friendship is about two people caring about each other, not about filling the void in your world map of friends or taking advantage of her/his attributes.

Don't you think that there is give and take element in any relationship?

My view is that when the relationship is satisfactory to both parties, they don't engage themselves in such calculations. Suppose a friend that you really value asks you for a favor, you wouldn't think twice about agreeing to it.

Whereas if it were a Class-B friend, you start listing all the things you have already done for her/him?

"I walked her dog for three weeks when a very important project was due. I visited her grandmother in the hospital at her request although I barely knew her. I have tried to remember her favorite brand of tissue..."

"And now she's asking me to attend her cousin's wedding on the opposite side of the globe and that under the guise of her lover, because she doesn't want to be grilled by her relatives why she is still single!"

If you genuinely value someone and the relationship you have with her/him, you derive enough satisfaction from your action for her/him alone and do not think about what s/he could do for you in return.

For Claude, I would gladly go to the Amazon and collect information on his behalf. I know that such trips have become difficult for him, especially since November last year.

It may have become easier, we never know. Anyway, do you think he would reciprocate your action? If yes, I'd say that you and Claude are very good friends, but I think we can safely say that the answer is no.

Lacking reciprocity, it's not a good friendship, but just one-sided admiration, you mean?

Just as we wouldn't make a list of what we did for a very good friend, we wouldn't itemize what we like about that person. We could, but it would look rather absurd and false. The same holds for a lover.

It's her/him as a whole... I don't think it immoral that I take good care of the bushes that separate my house and the neighbors' in the hope that they would reciprocate the gesture.

I don't either. What I would say is that they are your neighbors, perhaps good neighbors, but not good friends.

I can't be good friends with everyone, though.

Luckily, you are not running for any kind of political post. My point is that true friendships are rare. What puzzles me is that many people do not seem to care whether friendships are genuine or not.

If genuine friendships are rare, why should you examine your set of friends only to find out that most are based on give-and-take?

We are bound for disappointment if we do not recognize that fact. Many of the frictions among people that I witness are based on the illusion that the relationships are altruistic, much more so than they could be.

But if we act wisely from the accounting department's point of view, we would be overly shrewd and unpleasantly cunning, don't you think?

For the manipulative ones, that is the ideal.

Although it is inevitable that most relationships are based on business-like considerations, we should not act so as to make use of that fact, because that would push us more in that direction. Is this our conclusion?

The acknowledgment of that nature would make relationships launch on a downward spiral. On the other hand, such considerations would encourage you to be nice to a person that you cannot have fond feelings for.

It's useful, then.

A condition has to be met: s/he would reciprocate your good-willed actions.

In sum, while most friendships are not pretty under the surface, we should not think about it too often, because if we do, it would negatively affect the nice cover. Oftentimes, the pretty cover is all there is to it. If friendship of any kind is inconceivable, it's best to think the relationship as business.

That is life, it seems... I find it interesting that if the friendship is a very good one, I wouldn't hear lines such as, "That's what friends are for," "I meant it well," etc., from that friend.

Your friend does not need to explain that s/he is a nice and kind person, either.

All is natural, and there lies the pitfall.

A pitfall of yours, again?

When something is very natural, we take it for granted. As for good relationships, we often fail to appreciate them and do not realize their value until they are lost for some reason.

A good relationship lost for some reason? It's impossible by definition.

Ach, if only good reasons prevailed in this world!

Not just any good reason, but yours, right?

My reasons are good, all of them, all the time.

Okay, okay, let's just say that you're not a verificationist...