Big, big leaf with tiny hair versus big leaf with tiny hair

Do you really think social conventions are arbitrary?

How else can you explain the fact that opening a gift in front of the offerer is considered rude in one culture and not doing so is rude in another culture?

I think those two rules are based on different aspects of the same action. Since it is not nice to show disappointment, it is better to open the gift after the guest has left. This is the rationale for the first one.

As for the second case, promptly unwrapping the gift is supposed to be a sign that the receipt alone has already made you happy. It also allows showing appreciation in person, rather than in a thank-you note to be sent later. This approach requires that you be prepared to smile and look delighted, even when you are given the ugliest and the most useless object in the entire universe.

Your examples do not say customs and conventions are arbitrary. On the contrary, the common, ultimate goal is to convey appreciation for the act of giving itself, that is, regardless of what is given.

You are right. It is all about showing appreciation for one another. But if we agree that the two takes on gift giving make equal sense, the preference of one approach over the other is arbitrary.

You cannot open right then and there, and also later---you have to choose. Plus, if you are inconsistent in the timing of opening, people would start searching for meanings. Did s/he open it right away, because it was from Monsieur Untel and not from Madame Unetelle? Or, because it was bulky and wrapped with a colorful paper?

I have seen quite a bit of frustration among people who crossed the lines of these two types of culture.

Another well known source of friction is how lavish a spread you present when you invite people.

In many cultures, showing that you are stretching your means to entertain the guests is very important. That said, I feel really uncomfortable when a precious goat, sheep, pig, or chicken is slaughtered, just because I am from a far away place or faintly connected to a person who is mighty important to them.

They are eager to chop the heads off, even if you just met them an hour ago.

How am I going to tell them that I am a vegetarian?

The spread issue can go the other way around, too. If you are raised in a culture which says any guest is to be fed until s/he has to lie down for digestion enhancement, some other cultures come across as offensive.

True. One time, I brought a nice bouquet of flowers to a luncheon, only to find out that the hostess had decided to have a rather soggy and plastic-looking pizza delivered, instead of cooking herself.

I suppose she had a coupon?

I think that was the case, indeed. I was shocked, too, that I was the only one who presented something to the hostess.

And that the pizza was served from the box... Are you resentful, because you had gone a long way to compose a bouquet which looked classy, but not as inexpensive as it actually was?

... But I don't remember your coming to the florist or to the luncheon with me!

Isn't it the company and the content of conversation that matter?

In theory, yes. But, to this day, I feel I have to make more dishes than the guests can possibly consume and I consider a "little something" for the host/ess an absolute must.

I thought you were more open-minded.

It's similar to saying "good morning" to strangers on the street. It certainly does not make everyone on earth on good terms with each other, but it is a gesture that acknowledges your presence and existence. I am convinced that contentment in life is made of such seemingly trivial acts.

In short, although you admit that there are various possible ways to achieve the same goal, you are offended if people do not take the way that you prefer.

I would avoid saying offended, but I was disappointed in this particular example. You may think that I only approve of the manners that I am most accustomed to, but not so. After all, what do we have our thinking faculty for?

Conventions are conventions, because some thinking has been done for you beforehand.

If you cross cultural boundaries, you are most likely to encounter customs and conventions that tell you to do what you were told not to do in some other place.

Just as in the case of gift opening.

As a person with the experience of having lived and living in other cultural environments, you are given the opportunity to choose among multiple solutions to a problem. That is where thinking becomes required.

While you had accepted in toto the customs and conventions taught by your parents, you now reflect on them, compare them with the solutions that you yourself have discovered, and make a rational judgment as to which solution is best.

How successful that can be depends on how open-minded your environment is, and even if people around you are receptive to alien manners, it may take some time to be understood that your way is a viable alternative.

In other words, if people think you are strange, their closed-mindedness is to blame. How convenient!

I remember reading about an anthropologist who lived in a village in a foreign country for his case study. The very first task was to learn the local language. The village elders assembled for the occasion with a bunch of different leaves.

To teach him how to count?

I don't remember if it was the very first lesson, but anyway, he had to learn the name of each plant, looking at the leaves. For him, they were so much alike that he could not distinguish one from another. Of course, the villagers did not understand why a grown-up like him could not tell the big leaf with small veins and short hair from another big leaf with similarly small veins and short hair, but with different luster.

You mean his mental capacity was inferior to that of a five-year old, as far as the villagers were concerned?

Yes. It took some time for the anthropologist to understand that the ability to identify different leaves was very important in their daily lives, in terms of medicine, toxin and nutrition, and that was why the village elders insisted that he master the art. The villagers themselves could not articulate the purpose of the exercise explicitly, because they had not been exposed to other cultures; they had not consciously examined their ways of life in relation to others'.

Does it mean that the definition of full adulthood is culture dependent?

Consider the case of our anthropologist. He does not have the knowledge and the skills to function as the head of a household in the village. Even surviving on his own is probably impossible. Put differently, he may be an adult in his own country, but no doubt disqualified as such in this village. In many cultures, you become an adult only after you are married and have children. In some others, that is no longer part of proper adulthood.

We can say, then, that maturity is about how well you behave along the socially accepted norms. That further means you will have to adopt whatever the local culture says one should do.

It is impossible to abide by all culture codes that we come across.

Come to think of it, if social conventions are arbitrary and maturity is about following such conventions, being mature is arbitrary. We can't be serious about a standard that is arbitrary to start with and changes from place to place.

The most important component of maturity is about knowing when you are going to violate or have violated the codes, and how you make up for that. I believe how you amend is, in fact, more important than whether you commit a cultural transgression or not; however careful we may be, we all make faux pas.

I know about that one! So, what is your recommended strategy?

Be ready to admit your mistake or conscious violation, and be sincere about your past and future intentions that you did and will not act out of malice. Arrogance is always a bad idea, of course, but self-deprecation can also get absurd.

Should we be insincere if we wanted and want to be malicious?

...

Okay, skip that question. But, aren't we back to the same, fuzzy idea that everything should be in moderation?

Yes, and the world will never agree on what that moderation is.

Three cheers for your pessimism!

Oh no, I'm quite optimistic today. If you haven't noticed, that is a problem.

Blame others at a hint of criticism... So much for mature behavior, I'd say.

I declared that maturity can well transcend cultural boundaries. How more optimistic can one get?

The joke is on me

We focused too much on what damage stereotypes can do last time.

Are you trying to tell me that they can do good?

I wouldn't go that far, but you know, they're kind of fun.

Fun!

Shhhh, you're getting loud, and that's one of the traits in people that you dislike most. Don't you think there is some truth in stereotypes, though?

We agreed that, just like class systems, they have a built-in mechanism to sustain itself.

That is true with respect to habits, attitudes and professions. But what about big nose, thick lips, and such?

You're terrible. You make fun of physical features that you think are common among a certain ethnic group, precisely because they are not considered comely. If they were, you wouldn't be joking about them. Besides, if you knew many members of that ethnic group which is not yours, you would hesitate making jokes.

Out of respect?

You wouldn't need respect for that. You know a number of individuals from the group intimately, and have seen many facial features within the group. It becomes just like your own ethnicity; we usually don't see stereotypical features in our own ethnic group.

Because we have seen and see so many of them, we know it is unjust to generalize. The common features also become one of the norms.

In other words, the mind set we have for our own ethnicity can be extended to other groups. I have to add, though, that there are people who deny what they see and go by what the conventional "wisdom" says. Stereotypes are part of that "wisdom."

So, if we think stereotypes about physical features are funny and make jokes about them, it is an indication that we do not know many people from that group.

You can be callous because they do not belong to your definition of human beings.

That's an exaggeration! I don't deny that some tribal people whose name I have never heard of are also human beings.

I wouldn't say that you are lying, but I am confident that you would not make fun of their faces and attires if your best friends are among them. Let's say you may, but in a special way. It is all a matter of how much trust there is. You see, I don't prescribe to the straitjacket version of political correctness. If I knew that you don't think every one of us grow nose hair...

I've never said that and, thank goodness, never seen your nasal hair!

It's an example. Suppose my tribe is known in the outside world for growing nose hair and it is true that some do. Suppose further that doing so has medical benefits in their living environment, but people are unaware of them and the custom is looked down on. If you knew all that and if I knew that you knew all that, I wouldn't mind your making a gentle joke about it.

Because there is trust between us, you mean?

Yes, you may still joke about it, but almost as if you were one of us.

There lies the difference...

Jokes on ethnicity and nationality have far reaching effects than we usually think. Even the person in front of you who is of that ethnicity and nationality do not have the trait that you joked about, s/he may be offended.

Because her/his friends and/or relatives fit the description?

I'm afraid it's biology again; we unconsciously feel the need to defend our group.

I think you are for orthodox political correctness, after all.

Think about the world in which we mingle with people based on their interests and personalities, and not on gender, ethnicity, nationality, sexual orientation or looks. I think we wouldn't mind light-hearted jokes about stereotypical features so much. In fact, I believe that we wouldn't even feel like making stereotype jokes in that kind of a world.

Most of us do not have the energy to go through the thickets of differences in customs, features, etc. But I wonder... Aren't you implying that in the ideal state of things we are all alike?

We should be able to preserve our differences and yet understand each other. A world without diversity would be awfully boring.

Nothing is and should be easy in the real world, I knew that...

Let me be me

Expectations about you can stifle who you really are.

Expectations held by yourself or by somebody else?

Do you remember talking about class systems?

They are social structures invented by people in power so that their privileges---both tangible and intangible---are secured for them and the ones whom they care most, namely their spouses and children.

They make you believe that it is as natural as the sun setting in the west that the upper class deserves comfort and respect.

Conversely, the lower class is made to believe that they do not deserve as much. It often extends to the types of occupation that you can engage in.

The jobs that the lower class is allowed to take up are those that the upper class finds undesirable. Menial jobs, physical jobs...

The powerful make the less powerful believe that they are physically and mentally inferior and only worthy of such work.

A class system has a built-in way of sustaining itself. That is, it denies the lower class the nutrition and the education that are necessary for physical and mental development and maintenance.

The powerful have been most of the time smart enough not to deprive the lower class too much.

Otherwise, they would have been extinct. The dead cannot clean your toilet or slaughter cattle for you.

The lower class had to be kept not only healthy, but also educated just enough so that they can be helpful to their masters.

Again, a moron cannot be too much of a help.

But they should not be equipped with too much of analytical skills to question the legitimacy of the system.

I think stereotypes based on gender, ethnicity, nationality, sexual orientation, looks, etc. have the same effects as social classes.

Aren't they simply perceptions or widely agreed observations?

We are often told not to be bothered by what others think about us, but in fact, perceptions play an important role in what we can be.

I think you should be concerned if all others think you are an idiot.

The advice above does not distinguish the case between a true idiot and a genius misunderstood. But if everyone treats you like an idiot, what difference does it make whether you are a real idiot or an idiot in disguise?

In either case, you would most likely get very upset.

If we think about human dignity, the treatment is unjustified in both cases.

Extending the logic, we can say that there is a very low barrier against becoming a criminal when everyone thinks you are a criminal or a candidate for one.

Very much so. If more people of your gender, ethnicity, nationality, sexual orientation or looks happen to be in jail than other groups, it is very likely that you, just like the others in jail, have not had good education, do not have a job, or both. If people look at you as if you were a criminal, even as you walk down the street, you are more susceptible to become one, especially because the possibility of not having a decent job or never having one is also high.

Nothing is lost by acting as the others expect of you, whether the expectations are justified or not.

Your environment is shaped by what people around you think is going to and should happen. In other words, everything is set up so that it is best if you think and act according to their idea of who you are. You need extraordinary will power to fight against that.

That is why expectations tend to be self-fulfilling.

Gender, ethnicity, nationality, sexual orientation and looks often determine the privileged/underprivileged line, when there is no official class system. It goes without saying that the underprivileged are associated with negative stereotypes.

Most of the time, they are ill prepared to avoid the social traps by the very fact that they are underprivileged and do not have enough resources at their disposal. The vicious circle defined by stereotypes perpetuates, just like the class system.

The formula also applies to social conventions, which are more or less arbitrary. The more privileged set the norm, and that, naturally to their advantage; they define their attributes and behavior as the most desirable. Their ways of speaking, clothing themselves, interacting with people, organizing communities. Their physical properties, too. The less powerful are penalized for being different.

If they did otherwise, they would not have retained power for a long time.

Think about the world in which the current status of the privileged and the underprivileged is reversed.

I wouldn't be surprised if the currently-less-privileged complain that the currently-more-privileged lack social skills and that is why they cannot be promoted to managerial positions.

And for lack of sense of humor. Acceptable social conventions are arbitrary; table manners are a good example.

If it is considered polite to expel all sorts of gas at the end of the meal as a sign of appreciation...

Intestinal gas may be physiologically challenging, though, because it requires more digestion time than the gas from the stomach.

Shall I try it next time?

I saw "Africa Paradis" by Sylvestre Amoussou, a film about Africa that is more prosperous than Europe. The year is 2033 and Europeans are desperate to immigrate to Africa to seek better opportunities and life. The sad thing is that it was very effective in seeing how little compassion the First World has for the Third World today. As I saw the white servants scurrying around the black masters, I couldn't do away with the feeling that something was odd---it shocked me when I realized that the feeling persisted.

It is entrenched in your mind that the other way around is normal.

Let me add that I was also shocked when I saw a clip from a documentary film on apartheid in South Africa.

It is all a matter of whether you are used to it or not, which means again that any social arrangement can last long.

Psychological effects can be insidious, as we noted in the case of being looked upon as a criminal. There are less overt ones, but nonetheless damaging.

For example, you can be only good at sports and music, or you cannot be good at physics, etc., because of your ethnicity.

You may be good at math as an elementary school student, but what if your teacher does not see it because you belong to the "wrong" gender or ethnicity? What if you are told that it was a fluke that you did good in the exam, or even worse, that you must have cheated?

Tell me, what exactly happened?

I made a remark that fluid dynamics and aerodynamics are essentially the same. In fact, aerodynamics is a subfield of fluid dynamics.

How so?

Fluid dynamics studies the motion of fluid which can be liquid or gas. It is just that liquid is more viscous than gas, but they share the principles. But the person whom I was talking to said that he wanted to talk to someone who really knew the subject and asked me to introduce him to that person.

And?

I said that I was the most knowledgeable person that he could find within the circle of 10 kilometer radius. But he insisted.

I presume that your looks got in the way.

He didn't even investigate further how much I knew! A little later, I found him conversing with a Woody Allen look alike. I know him---he talks a lot, but is really scattered. They looked happy together.

How the world sees you has real effects...

"We are nothing but what we are in the eyes of others, and their views are the first step in coming to terms with ourselves as ourselves."

Nous ne sommes nous qu'aux yeux des autres et c'est à partir du regards des autres que nous nous assumons comme nous. Jean-Paul again!

The situation becomes more complicated when the underprivileged do not make enough efforts to get themselves out of that wretched scheme.

It is true that they need help, but without efforts on their part, the whole rescue plan would not work. A doctor cannot save a patient who has given up the will to live.

I see insufficient trust and good will on both sides.

A stronger sense of responsibility for our past and future would help, too.

At the end of the day, we all need and deserve dignity and respect from others.

I would hate it if I were good at math and have to fight against the idea that limitations are imposed on by my genetic makeup or the environment in which I was brought up. I would also have to fight against the lingering feeling that what my rational self thinks is nonsensical prejudice may be truth instead.

What if you happen to belong to the less preferred group and someone from the most preferred says to you, "You're not typical"?

And the remark is meant to be a compliment...

All I want is to be simply myself, unencumbered by any prejudice or preconceived notion.

Let me assure you that you are the only one who wants to be you.

The price of raising hope

You're late! I've been waiting for you.

I'm behind by mere three minutes and seven seconds, but I do apologize. Champagne glasses?

It's on me.

Hey, people over there are looking at us with empty champagne glasses in their hands.

I told you, I've been waiting.

You have invited those people, too? Now, how many bottles did you order?

Well, let's start with one.

I should have known! Anyway, I didn't think it would make you so euphoric.

I didn't either. It makes a difference whether you say a Democrat candidate won, or a person with an African father and a non-Anglo name was elected. Think about it. You hear someone say, "And, here is the President of the United States," and the next thing you see is an African-American. What's more, if the First Lady happens to be there, you see that she's African-American, too.

I thought you cared more about what each candidate promised to do. Just as you warned against electing the President based on her/his biological attributes, you shouldn't be happy because of the skin color and the name of the President elect.

I didn't know if the American people were ready to choose someone with colored skin and Hussein as the middle name. It does show that many Americans did not want to have a white President over a black one at all cost. It gives me tremendous hope.

Indeed, the election results were on the front page all over the world, and many have used the word, "historic," to describe the event.

See how people around the world are happy. I cannot remember when all of us were so hopeful, or at least, relieved. Muammar al-Gaddafi had endorsed him as a Muslim African brother before the election, so he, too, must be celebrating.

That could be a liability... We shouldn't forget that Barack is for civic unions for gay couples, but against gay marriages.

That is a great disappointment, indeed. But he does oppose "Don't ask, don't tell" policy in the US military.

Let me remind you that we all love baklava, but the Muslims are still discriminated against. I haven't heard anyone declare their dislike of baklava because of its affinity with the Middle East and Central Asia.

Not all have dismissed Jewish conspiracies as nonsense, after the "discovery" of bagels by New Yorkers and people elsewhere.

This is not the end of racial inequalities or the war in Iraq. In fact, Barack is half Caucasian and half African, but very few have said anything about his presentation of himself as an African-American.

True, I haven't heard any Caucasian saying, "But you are, in a way, one of us," or any African saying "But you are only partially one of us."

Isn't that a problem?

He does seem to understand both sides, however. So, you are saying that it's not the end of all armed conflicts, economic turmoil, income inequalities, gender biases, American cultural and political hegemony, human trafficking, narcotics trade, developed countries' paying to dump hazardous wastes in developing countries, climate change, deforestation, cruelty to animals, discrimination against the disabled, golden parachutes, obesity, hatred, greed and...

No to all of the above, unfortunately. Let's hope the future events would be such that our hopes are justified.

The bigger the hope has been, the deeper the disappointment could be.

Antoine de Saint Exupéry had his fox say in "Le Petit Prince," "Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé."

"You become responsible forever for what you have tamed." ... We should enjoy while the hope lasts. Can't we at least toast for the end of Dubya regime?