And we are so different, because we are so alike

We harbor about the same amount of nastiness inside us, but it is subject to modification by training on how to express it.

That is more or less where we left off last time, but I can't quite agree with the first part of that statement. Some babies are go-getters while some others are slackers, and that without any urging from the grown-ups.

True. But compared to the differences that we see later in their lives, aren't they more alike than ever?

Come to think of it, personal variations tend to increase as we age. Then, they start diminishing as we reach our old age, particularly if we become senile.

Is that meant to scare me---it implies that we revert to what we had been. Now I remember my grandparents wanting to eat more and more of what they used to eat in their childhood as they grew older.

If your strengths lie in physical activities, your prime time will pass early. As an athlete or a dancer, you can stay involved in the capacity of a coach or a choreographer, but there is no denying that you will be delegated to the backstage.

You can't blame me that I am an ageist, can you... Back to the topic of personal variations, our environment cannot plant in us what we are not born with, but they have tremendous influence in attenuating and accentuating what we do possess. Not everybody can be a professional tennis player, but respect for others, for example, can be inculcated.

Well, we need some people to organize tournaments, manufacture rackets, and so on.

Personal events have great power to shape who we are, while that power wanes as we age. In other words, there are two sides to maturity. You may be mature enough not to be disturbed by certain happenings, but it may also mean that you are too rigid to be corrected by them.

Is that meant to scare me---you are saying that there is a very fine line between maturity and inflexibility.

Genuine maturity should come with the ability to sort out meaningful events from others, but again, we have the tendency to become too selective in this regard over time. Let's turn to another factor that constitutes our environment: culture. Various cultures have their own ways to cope with our ugly side. Some condone it more than others.

Are you ranking cultures here?

I wish I could, because then, life would be easier.

Isn't it better to condone what we are born with rather than suppress it?

I didn't know that you are one of the people who consider anything natural is good. Well, it's not so unnatural of you to think so, because we are in that phase in history. After a flurry of activities to go in one direction always comes another in the opposite direction.

The technological progress in the past two centuries had the aim to subdue nature so that they would be of greater use to us. Lately in the developing world, we are seeing movements to live more along with nature. Recycling and composting, organic farming, local procurement of foodstuff, electronic cars, solar heating, power generation from wind and geothermal sources, search for wonder drugs in exotic plants...

Anger and hate come to us naturally without any instruction. Do you think it is better not to do anything about them?

I'd say that it is necessary to be angry against and hateful of certain things, for instance, discrimination based on attributes which are secondary to the question at hand.

That reminds me of a classmate who said that women should not major in chemical engineering.

Huh?

That was my reaction, too. When I asked him why, he said that it was because women could not haul by themselves the gas tanks required for experiments, and thus, were burden to male students.

Doesn't that imply that all disabled people should be killed because they are burden to the society?

I shall not disclose where he received his prior education... In any case, being angry about injustice can be destructive, too. Our anger shocks the other party and directs their attention to us, but it also tends to invoke anger on their side. If we are to make good use of anger, we should have control over it.

It should be measured and to the point, you mean... What about hatred?

I'm afraid that there is not much use for it.

Can't we show our commitment to justice by hating injustice?

Perhaps, but I think it only alienates people who engage in injustice.

I agree that we need to be under control in order to take advantage of our negative emotions inherent in us. But doesn't it deprive us of spontaneity in the good sense as well?

Bravo, comrade. If we are in control all the time, it makes us boring or unattractive.

Good news for a change! We should let ourselves go once in a while. We don't have to watch over ourselves every second.

One problem is how to select such moments.

But that itself takes away the casualness!

Another problem is how to remain spontaneous after choosing the moments to be so.

Comrade...

Did you expect life to be easy?

Not for you, obviously.

Isn't it amazing how much our cultural and personal environments can shape us to be so different, starting from the same basic material? The situation is further complicated by the fact that we greatly differ in how susceptible we are to such modifications.

Comrade...

I know a set of siblings who are close in age and grew up together in several continents because of their father's occupation. Some have become a true motley of cultures that they have been exposed to, while others are as if they had never left their home country.

... They must be looking forward to their old age when they become more alike.

Did you know that susceptibility to change by environment can be strengthened or weakened, depending on the environment itself?

...

Have you noticed that the more alike we are, the more we try to differentiate ourselves?

I know that one. Each country is often subject to its own fads, but within those fads, people try so hard to stand out.

If showing your tail is considered cool, almost everyone would be doing so, but some would show only the tip of it, some would tie a ribbon around it, some would tattoo it...

Tails...? A tattoo on a tail...? Are you talking about your friends from the Triangulum Galaxy?

We don't have to go that far. The Jews and the Arabs, the Hausa and the Yoruba, the Hutus and the Tutsis, the Welsh and the English, the Croats and the Serbs, the Georgians and the Russians, the Indians and the Pakistanis, the Japanese and the Koreans, the Americans and the Canadians, they are more alike than they care to admit, but if we mistake one for the other...

Unless they find it beneficial to form a united front.

As is the case with the Orthodox Jews and the conservative Muslims in the East End of London. Facing the outside world, they realized how much they share in terms of way of life.

After all, one can be Lev, Essad and Kurban, all at the same time.

Everything and everybody, but myself

What if someone says s/he prefers another person over you?

Did you get snubbed again?

I don't always talk about my own experiences, you know...

Isn't it natural that we talk about ourselves? After all, it is what matters most to us.

In fact, that is what I want to discuss. Have you noticed that we are very much asymmetric in evaluation of ourselves versus that of others?

True. We tend to be lenient toward ourselves, but readily criticize others.

I have always been amazed that most of us fail to understand the simple principle that if an act hurts us, it will most likely hurt others as well.

I think most of us are aware of that principle, but carry on anyway, because we put satisfying our needs and desires before those of others. Plus, we always have a good excuse---we have different sensitivities.

And we manage to convince ourselves that our targets are always tougher than we are.

I am of the opinion that we do not think that much beforehand. We simply follow our base desire to protect ourselves, and if that means at the expense of others, so be it.

The problem with doing so is that we fall into a tit-for-tat situation. Just as you did not care about others' feelings, they would not care about yours. Your act to soothe your ego, which often hurt others', would come back as another act to hurt yours.

That downward spiral has to stop somewhere.

I consider that one of the important elements in civilization. We have to see several steps ahead of the "game," and choose the strategy that works best in the long term.

I already see a potential problem; we would not agree on how long is the "long term."

That is community dependent, I'd say. The longer its history is, the longer the "long term" would be.

Are you sure about that? Remember what happened to Armenians under the rule of the Ottoman Empire after nearly 400 years? Just as the Holocaust was the pinnacle of many pogroms since the ancient times, the Armenian Genocide was preceded by smaller scale massacres. So it was with the Rwandan Genocide, too. All of these are long histories of co-existence peppered by outbreaks of resentment and hatred.

If we compare cultures of similar lengths of history, we would find variations among them. If we compare those of different lengths, I think a shorter history is usually associated with a shorter "long term."

Perhaps we can say that about individuals as well. Older people seem have longer "long terms" than younger people of the same culture.

Getting back to the initial concern of mine, I have noticed two types of reaction to rejections: anger and dejection.

I'm afraid we cannot avoid them.

Agree, but if I have to choose, I'd take dejection.

Because it rhymes with the word, 'rejection'?

Anger can turn into violent actions toward others. Dejection, if it ever becomes violent, would be directed against ourselves. We are less of a nuisance in the dejection case.

Do you mean to say that it's better that I hang myself than throw a hand grenade in your direction?

Now, now, let's not get into that.

It was implied, though.

Think about it further. If that logic applies to you, it should apply to me as well. It then means that I should commit suicide and spare you. The bottom line is that I personally do not want to be a target of someone who is suffering from rejection.

You sound awfully unsympathetic!

I've got my limits, and it is easier to be sympathetic toward a dejected person than an angry one. I'm sure you can easily recall when you were forced to listen to rants of a rejected person.

It's all about how stupid the rejectors are, because they did not see the true quality of her/him, and they are going to greatly suffer as a consequence.

The source of anger usually becomes larger with time: from the rejectors alone to include anyone who does not agree with the assessment that the rejection was the most inane event in history.

Rejected people often end up finding fault with everything and everyone except themselves, for not seeing their true value.

After listening to them for some time, the thought that comes to me is: "Are you sure that you are so worthy?"

We forget that we are all biased and have the built-in tendency to evaluate ourselves much more favorably than other people would.

They should realize that they start to look ridiculous, but they are blinded by their injured psyche; it all fits with our me-me-me inclination.

Should it be condoned then?

Let's say it is short-sighted me-me-me, which is inferior to long-term me-me-me. We do not realize often enough, but we do have a choice as to how to interpret an event. We can take it as an occasion to wallow in spite and hatred, or an opportunity to better our lives. The short-sighted me-me-me corresponds to the former, and the long-sighted to the latter.

You sound preachy today... Well, I'd say dejected people are a nuisance, too. You must have been in a situation where you were forced to say, "You deserve something better," when you didn't mean it.

That one is also tough, especially when you know that the person is fishing for some hyperbolic consolation. Still, I'd say that it is better than listening to rants. Plus, anger can be heightened into bitterness.

Anger has the potential to be a force for improvement, but bitterness does not.

Self-improvement with anger as the propelling factor may not be the best, because in essence, we seek revenge by doing so. But it can be considered productive. We are not sabotaging anything.

On the other hand, bitterness serves nothing, if I'm not mistaken.

It is difficult to interact with bitter people, because they have chosen to see the event in question, or sometimes the whole world, negatively and do not make attempts to change that stance.

They could adopt another perspective, but reject that possibility on the grounds of naïveté.

Bitter orange is also called sour orange.

We need a drink to toast.

To what are we going to toast?

What about life?

I know what to order! It has to be "Bittersweet with a Twist."