Praise unmasked

You said last time that dignity may not necessarily be the most important element in people's lives. If not, tell me what could be.

Have you brought a powder keg with you today? You strongly reek of it.

You may be thinking that I am belligerent, but you sound even more so! This is a great start for a conversation about dignity.

I was just teasing, trying to make things a bit lighter.

How can you make things light when you order tiramisù, mille feuille, appelgebak, Sachertorte, and Linzertorte, all at the same time?

In honor of the European Union...

But you have skipped many countries, and Austria is represented twice.

If we think about the House of Hapsburg, what we consider Austrian pastry covers quite a bit of ground.

You are trampling on political, historical and cultural sensibilities!

I was just kidding, you know that.

I can never be sure about you.

You don't trust me?

I was teasing. But, it's true that joking and teasing need trust in order to function as such. We talked about this in connection with stereotypes.

I believe that it is possible to say a friendly joke to a total stranger, though.

The trick is how to build that instant rapport. That does not imply that a short introductory exchange is a sine qua non. It is a matter of how you say it and which facial expression you adopt.

Circumstances, wording, voice, sharpness of the eyes, shrug or lack thereof, smile or lack thereof, laugh or lack thereof...

The good news is that it comes with so many conditional clauses that no self-help book can teach you what is right on all occasions.

Is that good? My suspicion is that some cultures are quite adept at it, while others aren't. I also suspect that what is taken as amicable in one culture is not so in others.

I used to be of that opinion, but lately, I have been thinking that if your intention is good, that shows in spite of cultural differences.

That's quite sweeping and optimistic, especially coming from you.

Do you remember my claim that maturity transcends cultural boundaries?

Hardly. ... Yes, yes, I do! I was just kidding.

That claim implies that teasing can be done artfully with anyone, even across cultures.

I recall that, because faux pas cannot be avoided, maturity is about how to make amends for it. Does that mean we should tell another joke when the first one turns out to be a dud?

In case of jokes that are perceived as offensive and/or tasteless, it is best to offer a sincere apology, I think. My point this time is that your intention gets conveyed most of the time.

I don't understand. You are now saying that teasing and jokes are almost failure proof.

No, my dear comrade, on the contrary. Many of them fail, because the little bits of nastiness almost always manage to manifest themselves.

Perhaps that is the purpose, to dress up a nasty remark and present it as a joke.

If so, you should be prepared for defense. In many problem cases that I witness, the words 'teasing' and 'joke' are used as shields when the nasty core is exposed.

"What are you getting all upset about, it's only a joke." "You have no sense of humor." ... Such lines would not count as proper defense.

If you are going to make someone uncomfortable with a joke, I presume that you are doing so with good reason. You'd better be prepared with another good biting joke to fend off the counterattack. This is another variant of my stance that the proof of maturity is in making amends.

I don't think the last example is exactly making amends, but yes, I understand your point. We have to take responsibility for what we say and that graciously, whenever possible. Getting back to nastiness shining through, do you mean to say that if there is none of it behind, people would sense so across cultural and social fences?

Yes.

In other words, if your intention is filled with affection and nothing else, the teased would understand as such?

It sounds rather simplistic and sugary, but yes, that is what I mean.

I know that you like everything complicated and rugged, so I stated your point on your behalf. And, this is what I get in return...

My tone should have made it clear that I agreed that it was the most efficient way of expressing the idea.

What can I say, I missed that.

It happened because you do not trust me as much as I thought you did. Good intentions have the power to come through, but not all the time. The same happens to bad intentions. That is why manipulation succeeds.

Aren't there variations in sensitivity among us in that sense?

I happen to be particularly fine-scaled in that regard.

Avoiding the expression, 'chips on one's shoulder,' eh?

I was avoiding the word, 'sensitive.' Once in a while, I react negatively to a remark for seemingly no good reason.

Your evil streak comes out.

That used to be my interpretation. But now I think it is because I sense lack of respect, behind the ordinary, or even sweet, words. Sometimes it is plain malice, more than lack of respect.

If it is not dignity, it's respect...

They are related, of course. To honor dignity is to show respect.

Hurray, we are back to dignity!

Some people shower me with praises, but...

Really? Can I meet them? Are they homo sapiens?

If they do not quite mean it, it shows. Some pose as sincere, but in fact, they are condescending.

Why does everything become so twisted when you are involved?

We are under this great misunderstanding that any praise would make anyone happy.

Not to worry. We know that you are an exception.

Many of us have not thought carefully about the premises of praising.

As you may have noticed already, not all of us list thinking hard as a favorite pastime.

Think about it...

I told you, many of us don't. ... Okay, I will keep quiet for a while.

To praise someone assumes that we have the capability to evaluate that person. In addition, by allowing our evaluation be known to its subject, who has not asked for any evaluation by us, we unilaterally declare authority over the evaluated. You wouldn't go up to Albert and say, "Hey, Al, good job, that theory of yours, the general theory of relativity. I thought that was quite nifty. Keep it up."

I can't. He's dead.

...

My knowledge is too limited to fully appreciate its contribution to modern physics, and further to natural science in general, not to speak of the underlying mathematics and its beauty. Hence, I wouldn't.

You see? You would think, "Who am I to tell Al that I think highly of him as if that would make a difference?"

The flip side of that is: if you commend a person, you are assuming that you are someone vis-à-vis her/him.

What if a person who does not have the capability to properly evaluate you gives you praise?

Are you again thinking of unwanted suitors?

I am thinking of a wider group of people, including them.

Most of us are not equipped with adequate knowledge to evaluate a case like yours, unless s/he has dabbled in clinical psychology or psychiatry. Plus, according to what you said earlier, if we have good intentions, shouldn't it come through?

Bravo, my dear comrade! Yes, it does. And, I can tell you that, in too many cases, I see patronizing or self-serving motives.

How does a self-serving motive work?

"I want to make this person feel good so that s/he would think that I am a very nice person." In some cases, it is meant to make up for a gaffe committed earlier. Curiously, the gaffe and the praise usually concern different areas. In yet other cases, it goes further: "If s/he thinks that I am so nice, s/he would fall in love with me."

According to your guiding principle of, "Deep down, we are constrained by our biological impulses," we cannot be any other way. We praise others, only because we ourselves want to feel better.

I agree. But as you may recall, civilization lies in how we control those impulses to fit our goals which may go counter to them. As for praises, we should make clear that our evaluation is based on our limited capability, that it concerns solely the object of evaluation, and that we are disclosing the evaluation without solicitation or permission.

If I say that much as a prelude to a praise, it would be awfully contrived, wouldn't it? Plus, there is nothing immoral about using praises to advance our own agenda.

Whether we have an agenda behind a praise or not, we want to be effective. That means, we want to sound genuine.

There is little use praising someone, if s/he sees your attitude of: "I am fully aware that you may find out that I don't believe in it, but I am saying it anyway..."

The art of praising is in how to convey the content of the 'prelude' with our choice of words, tone, gesture, timing, etc. If we are not careful, we would be effectively saying, "Our opinion of you is so valuable and important that it has the power to make you happy or unhappy." Put differently, we need to suppress our primal urge so as to transform the act into a selfless one and make it appear so.

What about distrustful people? You know that there are around, ahem.

The above approach should enable us to overcome distrust to a great extent. Mind you, they may not appreciate the words of praise on the spot, but I am confident that they will become aware of the good intentions over time.

I'm glad that it's awfully complicated and almost impossible after all.

Not so, comrade. Even with a blunder or two in the factors that I listed above, if we are selfless, I believe that it comes across as such. I would not say that the success rate would be 100%, but that is the case with anything in our world.

Three cheers for the simplicity that is so in a complicated way! Tell me, are there people who manage to utter a phrase of praise in the manner that you recommended?

If not, I would have said that all praises are phony.

Not counting yours, I mean.

...

Just kidding! A joke, une blague, una broma, een grapje...

"A joke is a very serious thing."

All right, Sir Winston to the rescue.

Love is not almighty

Love is better than hatred.

Certainly. It seems to me that the expression, "better than," is too weak for the comparison. Love should be the way of life, and not hatred.

I essentially agree with you, but there are all sorts of love, you know. Some can be as harmful as hatred.

Do you mean something like obsessive love?

That's one, but there are others. To love is an act that can be conducted without the recipient's consent. In other words, there are kinds of love that the recipients do not appreciate.

When you love a person, you wish her/him to be happy, but instead, you make her/him unhappy. How do we come to that?

It's well possible, because we are different in what leads to happiness. "[T]he person whose affection is satisfactory to us must not merely wish us well but must know in what our happiness consists."

Bertrand Russell, this time? I suppose you have in mind suitors who shower their targets with unwanted gifts and invitations.

Such people are pure annoyance to the receiving side, and must terminate their pursuits immediately.

Isn't it true that in this asymmetric world of male and female, men do not change their minds in the course of being pursued, but women often do?

Do you want to say that women start enjoying the attention if it persists? If so, you are dead wrong.

A sweeping statement from a small sample, I take it.

We only need one counterexample to falsify your hypothesis. Karl Popper would have approved of its formulation.

But I thought your all-time favorite movie was "Cinema Paradiso." In that film, Elena gives Salvatore a cold shoulder at first, but is won over by his, let's say, tenacious affection. She eventually leaves him after what looks like a very happy period for both of them, but afterwards, he does not quite manage to forget her.

Ah, l'amooooore!

Do I have to praise your pronunciation?

Anyway, I'd say the reality is far uglier. If you truly care about a person and s/he does not enjoy your attention, let alone company, you should back off. In most cases, the suitors do not.

What do you think about Paul Simon's "Still Crazy After All These Years"?

A nice song, but such a case in the real world can be terribly irritating. Besides, the song is about an old lover, and not a rejected suitor from long ago.

I thought ever-lasting love was a great compliment under any circumstances.

I tell you, it can be goose-bump generating, nausea inducing, mucus producing...

No exaggeration, please.

I am not exaggerating at all; unilateral love can lead to hatred from the other party. How would you feel if you find out that a person who is inferior to you in all aspects wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you?

Are we talking about lice, or perhaps mosquitoes?

I prefer lice and mosquitoes, because I can squash them flat with my slipper.

You don't have to kill them, do you? Anyway, some people like to be dominated.

I take display of such wishes as an unpardonable insult.

Now, now...

It is also a sign of stupidity for not seeing what I want and that s/he is incapable of giving it to me.

We have been talking about you, eh? They are overly optimistic as if to compensate for your pessimism---isn't that a good match?

I did not say that I was talking about my own experience! By the way, optimism in excess, or pessimism for that matter, can get ridiculous, and we should realize that.

What about being on the other side of the river----haven't you committed the crime of pursuing someone unsuccessfully?

You know that I am too proud to do anything like that.

I'd say you are too proud to admit to anything like that.

What about you? I'm sure you have had unwanted quests as well as unrequited ones.

Let's move on to another case. Consider a mother who sends her drug addicted son to a rehabilitation center. Clearly, she has long-term welfare of her son in mind, but her act may not be appreciated by him. In the same vein, unappreciated suitors may believe that they can guarantee their targets' happiness forever.

What if the pursued suffers from itchiness all over body when s/he thinks about the unwanted suitor? What if the drug addicted son does not even want to think about drug-free life?

What if a child does not want to do her/his homework, and play outside instead?

What if parents push their children into carrier choices, marriages, etc. against their wishes with the righteousness that they had for homework?

All right, it looks like there is a gray zone, even in the domain of parental love.

Contrary to what most parents think, parental love is not unconditionally good for and beneficial to the children. The phrase, "Because I love you," should not be used by any party to force their will upon others. The other phrase, "If you love me," is blackmailing, plain and simple, if you ask me. And you must have guessed already---what constitutes a gray zone differs from person to person.

Perhaps we can say that our happiness should not be sought at the expense of others'? For example, the drug addicted son may be uncontrollably violent and harm innocent passers-by, when there is not enough drug in his bloodstream. If so, he should be cured of addiction.

What if your suitor sends you a suicidal note, because you are not interested in her/him?

I will have to sacrifice my happiness for that person's, or s/he for mine.

As I said earlier, it all boils down to understanding what the person of your interest wants. To love someone in a way that you see fit, but does not meet the other party's desires and needs, is an instance of selfish love. I don't even know if we should be using the word, love, in this case.

Hmmm... It looks like we cannot save the world with love of the loosely defined kind.

"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge."

Bertie again!

You see, he agrees with me that, in order to understand something, we have to like it first, and that love is not a panacea.

Aren't we thrown back to the issue of compromise and a battle of personalities, though?