The Art of mingling and flirting

I am always amazed that some cultures are very good at mingling and flirting whereas some others are very bad at them. 

Ah... your opening statement is rather vacuous, comrade. Some are good at certain things and others not. You are simply saying that we are not uniform.

Doesn't it surprise you, though---what some people can do effortlessly is impossible for others, and that division is drawn not by variation in personal competence but culture?
 

It is remarkable that all we need is to grow up in a particular way---is this what you mean?

Yes. What is very natural to one group is awfully unnatural to another. If you are born into the Flirty Ethnic, but kidnapped by the Shy Ethnic the day after your birth, you would definitely become a Shy.
 

Are you trying to come up with an excuse for your behavior? If so, it may be best to make a straight confession that you are from Mars, abducted by Plutonians.

What do you think when a person from the Flirty Ethnic meets someone from the Shy Ethnic? 

The Flirty tries to flirt with the Shy while the latter attempts to flee from the scene. Both have little idea what the others' behavior means and why their respective strategies are not working... Absolutely hilarious!

It is sitcom material for the third party, but not for those involved. The big question is what to do so that both could get out of the awkward situation.
 

I can imagine the worst case scenario. The Flirty does not understand that her/his flirting is not appreciated by the Shy and flirts more passionately, making the Shy feel more uncomfortable or even threatened.

Well done, comrade! In this case, the Flirty has the power to resolve the 'conflict' by withdrawing.
 

But that results in the Flirty's frustration. Isn't it unfair that the Shy is spared of taking action on her/his part and the ending suits her/his inclination, not the Flirty's?

I agree with you, save fairness. The best solution is to interact less, and it so happens that it matches with what the Shy desires.
 

If refraining from flirting is as natural to the Shy as flirting is to the Flirty, can't the Shy flirt a bit so that the middle ground is reached?

I don't think such 'middle ground' is practical or possible. It would be much easier for the Flirty to give up than for the Shy to go along with the Flirty. The problem for the Flirty in this kind of situation is that s/he may not notice the Shy's signal at an appropriate moment and may end up going too far. 

The Shy may well think that s/he is being harassed.

I do not think that the Shy should be blamed for that. No doubt it requires much more effort when we encounter people who behave according to cultural codes that we are less familiar with, but we should have the generic capability to assess the degree of comfort of the person that we are dealing with. 

What if the Culture Flirty measures the comfort level of a person by how much laughter there is? The harder the Flirty flirts to make the Shy laugh, the tenser the Shy becomes.
 

We can say that the problem of the Flirty versus the Shy is nothing but the differences in how feelings are expressed and the difficulty of seeing beneath the surface. But the Flirty can deduce from the observation---her/his flirting is not having the intended effects on the Shy---that the Shy's behavior should be interpreted differently from what the Flirty is used to.
 

Isn't that a bit much to ask?
 

It is not easy because we are ingrained in our own ways, but it is a goal that we should strive for. I know quite a few incidents in which the harassing party claimed that s/he was simply trying to be friendly. One strange case that happened to me went as follows. I was complaining about a group of people in my usual vague manner. Then, one among those whom I was talking to started defending himself that the reason why he blabbered was that he wanted to be friendly toward me.
 

Were you complaining about him?

Of course, not. But for some reason, he volunteered to provide an excuse for his behavior. It was funny because I knew then that he had noticed that I had been annoyed with his bla-bla-bla. It was all the more interesting that he nonetheless had continued to be that bla-bla-bla person with me.
 

Isn't that because he cannot change himself?

That may be so, but what intrigued me most was: he did what he wanted to do at my expense, he was aware of that, and yet told me that his aim was to be friendly with me, namely he did it for my sake. To me, this is one of the lesser known manifestations of selfishness.
 

It sounds like life is easier for the non-Flirty, because s/he would not have to go against her/his natural behavior.

Have you ever observed the Shy in action of flirting?
 

Wait... Does the Shy flirt, too?

All of us have the biological urge to befriend and mate, and even the Shy knows by instinct that flirting is a necessary preamble.
 

Why can't the Shy flirt with the Flirty, then? It solves the problem that we have been talking about.

Alas, the Shy's flirting is so modest---or underhanded, we could say---that it goes unnoticed by the Flirty. So, in addition to the worst case that you described, it could be that the Shy understands the Flirty's flirting gesture, appreciates it, attempts to reciprocate, but the Shy's gesture is not understood by the Flirty.
 

The Flirty leaves the scene frustrated or disheartened... I like this scenario better.

Anyway, if culture discourages flirting to the extent of suppressing it, that is not healthy for the people. If you forbid something that human beings have innate affinity for, it will only go underground and can be associated with all sorts of crimes.
 

Drugs and prostitution come to mind.

It is not only ironic but also hypocritical that suppression of mingling among different sexes results in more prostitutes.
 

The biological desire cannot be eliminated and it finds the means to satisfy itself.

It sounds as if they wanted to protect women, but that by creating a separate class of women who can be used as tools to release men's biological desire.
 

And, the differentiation of women into those two groups originates almost exclusively from economic status.

I'd say people become more preoccupied with the other sex when you discourage interaction with them.
 

That's natural. I heard that simply seeing an object that is for exclusive use by the other gender can arouse strong emotions and shoot up the hormone level if intersexual mingling is stricitly curtailed.

The phenomenon is not restricted to specific regions or religious affliations; it was observed not so long ago also in countries which pride themselves in gender equality today. 

Equality on paper, at least...

If we are not well trained in mingling, it can become absurd when we want to show interest in others. Our attempts are usually too timid or overly explicit, and the clumsiness is not confined to romantic associations. 

In other words, we cannot 'pick up' with style.

Plus, almost all actions and attributes of a person of the opposite sex gets attributed to being of that sex.

'Oh, she does that because she's a woman.' 'He says so because he's a guy.' These shortcut conclusions are quite tiresome.

You bet. We become unable to evaluate and appreciate a person as an  individual.
 

What do you think is important in connecting gracefully with others?

We should not change our behavior dramatically between people of special interest and others. At the initial stage of relationship, it is all the more important because we need an escape route ready.
 

How do we know that we are in a relationship that is more than casual?

As you know, I do not believe in saying 'you are special,' etc.
 

Oh, I remember, you are special in that sense...

How much you cherish the relationship can be expressed by how much you are capable of thinking about being in the other's shoes.  

Aren't there cultures which are much better than others at training people in that regard?

Definitely.
 

Doesn't it mean that people from those cultures are misunderstood by others---when the former is doing something they would do to anybody, the latter thinks that they are getting exceptional attention?

... Comrade, think about a world without misunderstandings. It would be awfully boring, wouldn't it?