That you would never be as knowledgeable as you aspire to be?
I try not to look at that possibility too closely. It may have negative effects on my aspiration. What dawned on me is that we should never say certain things. If we did and even if they happen to be the plain truth, the act will make us villains.
Let's hear what your 'certain things' are.
Our evaluation of persons whom we know first hand.
Even the positive thoughts?
True, some occasions call for positive evaluations.
Suppose we wish to defend someone who we think is erroneously accused for wrongdoing. We are sure of our hunches, judging from what we know about that person, but we do not have any strong evidence for this particular case. We could say, "We know her/him well, and s/he is not a person who would do such things.''
It is weak in the sense that it is inductive reasoning, but it is better than nothing. Another instance would be when we want to encourage someone to strengthen or maintain a specific trait in her/him. We could say, "I admire your organizing skills," for example.
It could be pure encouragement, too. "I know that you have exceptional jumping capabilities. I am sure that you would do well in the upcoming 'Let's Jump Over the Moon' contest."
But most of the time, we do not want to represent a person with a single trait, event, etc.
Why not?
It is easy for us to forget her/his other qualities. We are so drawn to a simple, neat view of the world that if there is any opportunity to do so, we would make use of it.
In other words, none of us is fit for a simple description. Are you sure about that?
Absolutely. Even a simpleton is not simple after all.
It's just that s/he may be simpler than others? By the way, isn't this related to what you said earlier---if we itemize the traits of a person whom we like, the list would look rather absurd and false?
Yes and yes.
You know, most of us don't mind reductionism if it results in something good about us.
Not me.
I should have known...
Seriously, I think it offensive to reduce a person into one characteristic or one sentence.
Let's say that positive comments make us---barring cases like you---so happy that we don't care whether they omit the details. Come to think of it, you shouldn't think it as negligence of some aspects, but instead, as focus on our assets.
What if the person takes pride in her/his complexity?
Ah, comrade...
Or in the fact that s/he is not only this, but a bit of that, too, and a lot of this, almost entirely that, plus a pinch of this and that and...
And everything else? What about the following, then---we praise you that you are a complicated being? It captures the complexity in a simple manner.
I don't know about that. A lot of people use the word, 'complicated,' as an excuse, when careful analyses are possible, but would like to avoid them. It could be due to the seeming cumbersomeness of the process, or in anticipation of inconvenient results.
I see, you have experienced occasions in which people told you that you were complicated, but you knew that they meant 'annoying'?
What if someone says you are wonderful?
I would thank that person. I don't hear it often, perhaps because it is evident.
Comrade... You should be thinking hard what s/he may want from you.
I didn't know that your mind was wretched to that extent!
I shall prove not. Think about the most benign situation in which you would hear that phrase.
Let me see... It could be when my lover looks at me at the beach where nobody else is around.
Stop, please. I'm getting dizzy. I feel nausea is about to hit me.
Did I ever tell you that normal people enjoy at least a bit of romance?
Oh, I didn't say I'm against it all. I'm highly allergic to schmaltz, mush, glop, slop, slush. Let's say, anything cheap. Tell me, what is going to happen next?
Are you ready? ... A kiss, of course!
You managed to prove that I am right, just as I expected.
How is that?
"You are wonderful" was meant to lure you into kissing.
Lure me into? But perhaps I, too, was ready for a kiss.
The situation required a signal so that you wouldn't look the other way by accident when another face approaches yours. Another possibility is that it was to indicate that your lover was ready for your face getting closer.
What's bad about that?
The statement that you are wonderful did not mean that you really are. It was another way of saying, "I'm going to kiss you in three seconds. On your mark, get set," or alternatively, "A kiss in three seconds is anticipated. I am fully prepared."
All right, suppose my lover truly believes that I am wonderful and wishes to express that feeling. What is your recommended strategy?
First of all, I would eschew any encompassing term, such as 'wonderful.' None of us can be wonderful, remarkable, lovable, adorable in all senses and all circumstances. There would be a time when your lover would want to take back that sentence.
Are you saying that we are not allowed to say what we feel at the moment?
It is okay as long as we do not forget that it is much less unconditional than it sounds.
You are here to destroy happiness on earth...
On the contrary. Much of unhappiness comes from being unrealistic.
On certain occasions, people are sincere in using the word 'wonderful,' and it would be insolent if we do not accept their positive judgment of us.
We should still know that the conditions happen to be met for that person to employ that word at that certain moment, and nothing more. In other words, it says something about the relationship between you and that person at that instant only.
It will keep me on my toes.
Secondly, it is easier to say, "I trust you," than to trust that person.
The proof is in the act, you mean.
Yes, anyone can say "I love you," but finding out what the person you love values and helping her/him acquire more of it----it could be something tangible or intangible---is much more time and labor consuming.
Are we allowed to say "I love you," though?
Of course, but in my opinion, it is best used sparingly. Occasionally, the person you love needs reassurance about the relationship. That would be the most appropriate times.
What do you think about saying that you are a good friend?
Ditto. I would say it only if it is truly necessary---as when the friend needs confirmation of the relationship. Other times, I would rely on actions. In fact, if someone says that to you, although you are not feeling insecure about the relationship, that means s/he is feeling insecure.
S/he senses that I am moving away from her/him.
If someone acts in a way that shows that our definitions of friendships are incompatible, I would try to maintain appropriate distance from that person. I know that our own definitions---mostly about what is permissible and what is not---are rather arbitrary, and if my friend and I happen to have criteria that cannot be satisfied at the same time, there is no use arguing about it. The sole productive path for the future is to keep a courteous space.
What about engaging in discussions to reconcile the differences?
That is precisely one of the things that are best avoided. I used to be all for let's-talk-and-resolve, but no longer.
You don't mind living with conflicts?
It would be impertinent of me to criticize someone's idea of relationships. I myself have concrete ideas of how they should be. We should discuss explicitly only if we think it is worth the personal pain that we would inflict on each other and if we think we can overcome the pain later.
I had assumed that you encouraged verbalization of our fuzzy thoughts.
I do, but we should stop short of communicating the results that concern people around us. The problem here is that once verbalized in our mind, it becomes easier for us to handle the problem, but also easier to say it out loud in a coherent way.
We should think hard, but not so hard that we speak our mind without intending to do so.
By the way, have you noticed the psychology that prevails behind "You are wonderful," "I love you," "I miss you," and such? ... Sorry, I have to get to a sink, it's getting too much.
Have some water, comrade. ... Better?
Yes... When people utter those lines, they are expecting the other party to have the same feelings.
You think so?
I'm pretty sure about this one. Who is going to say, "You are wonderful," knowing that s/he would hear, "You are a scum," and be given a scornful look?
It may be a simple thank you and a smile that they want.
You wouldn't disagree that hearing, "You are wonderful, too," is much more preferred to hearing, "You are a scum."
I told you that it could be a kiss that is expected afterward.
It's the same. They are looking for reciprocation of sentiments.
It sounds awfully natural to me.
When someone says s/he misses me, I feel obliged to say I miss her/him as well.
You don't have to, though.
I can't tell her/him, "You do? Well, I don't miss you at all." Anyone who says, "I miss you," to me has not given careful thoughts to what I may be thinking and in what kind of situation s/he is putting me.
Even "I miss you" can make you go up the wall.
How can I miss a person who does not know how I feel, chiefly that I do not miss her/him? Now consider others who like being seen with me because I pay attention to what I wear, but do not do anything about how they look.
They haven't thought about the possibility that you, too, would rather be with someone who looks nice outwardly.
I wouldn't say that they should be nicely dressed or I would not see them. It is a matter of giving thoughts to what the other party's desires may be. Some others get excited for the opportunity to show me what they love, but they do not seem to care much that I am trying my best to be positive.
If you are too good at it, it could be suicidal. "Ah, we love the same stuff! Here's more." May I make an obvious and simple recommendation that you show or talk about what interests you?
Only a few are genuinely interested in what fascinates me, and I don't want to impose myself on others.
You said it before---true friendships are rare. In any case, the people who are problematic in your eyes, are they aware of the problem?
The bigger problem is that if I tell them what the problem is, I would be a villain... What are you going to do if someone comes up with a five-year life plan for you without any urging from your side, and it includes dropping the activity that you value doing most as well as the relationships that you cherish?
And s/he says you are a good friend of hers/his?
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