Do you really think social conventions are arbitrary?
How else can you explain the fact that opening a gift in front of the offerer is considered rude in one culture and not doing so is rude in another culture?
I think those two rules are based on different aspects of the same action. Since it is not nice to show disappointment, it is better to open the gift after the guest has left. This is the rationale for the first one.
As for the second case, promptly unwrapping the gift is supposed to be a sign that the receipt alone has already made you happy. It also allows showing appreciation in person, rather than in a thank-you note to be sent later. This approach requires that you be prepared to smile and look delighted, even when you are given the ugliest and the most useless object in the entire universe.
Your examples do not say customs and conventions are arbitrary. On the contrary, the common, ultimate goal is to convey appreciation for the act of giving itself, that is, regardless of what is given.
You are right. It is all about showing appreciation for one another. But if we agree that the two takes on gift giving make equal sense, the preference of one approach over the other is arbitrary.
You cannot open right then and there, and also later---you have to choose. Plus, if you are inconsistent in the timing of opening, people would start searching for meanings. Did s/he open it right away, because it was from Monsieur Untel and not from Madame Unetelle? Or, because it was bulky and wrapped with a colorful paper?
I have seen quite a bit of frustration among people who crossed the lines of these two types of culture.
Another well known source of friction is how lavish a spread you present when you invite people.
In many cultures, showing that you are stretching your means to entertain the guests is very important. That said, I feel really uncomfortable when a precious goat, sheep, pig, or chicken is slaughtered, just because I am from a far away place or faintly connected to a person who is mighty important to them.
They are eager to chop the heads off, even if you just met them an hour ago.
How am I going to tell them that I am a vegetarian?
The spread issue can go the other way around, too. If you are raised in a culture which says any guest is to be fed until s/he has to lie down for digestion enhancement, some other cultures come across as offensive.
True. One time, I brought a nice bouquet of flowers to a luncheon, only to find out that the hostess had decided to have a rather soggy and plastic-looking pizza delivered, instead of cooking herself.
I suppose she had a coupon?
I think that was the case, indeed. I was shocked, too, that I was the only one who presented something to the hostess.
And that the pizza was served from the box... Are you resentful, because you had gone a long way to compose a bouquet which looked classy, but not as inexpensive as it actually was?
... But I don't remember your coming to the florist or to the luncheon with me!
Isn't it the company and the content of conversation that matter?
In theory, yes. But, to this day, I feel I have to make more dishes than the guests can possibly consume and I consider a "little something" for the host/ess an absolute must.
I thought you were more open-minded.
It's similar to saying "good morning" to strangers on the street. It certainly does not make everyone on earth on good terms with each other, but it is a gesture that acknowledges your presence and existence. I am convinced that contentment in life is made of such seemingly trivial acts.
In short, although you admit that there are various possible ways to achieve the same goal, you are offended if people do not take the way that you prefer.
I would avoid saying offended, but I was disappointed in this particular example. You may think that I only approve of the manners that I am most accustomed to, but not so. After all, what do we have our thinking faculty for?
Conventions are conventions, because some thinking has been done for you beforehand.
If you cross cultural boundaries, you are most likely to encounter customs and conventions that tell you to do what you were told not to do in some other place.
Just as in the case of gift opening.
As a person with the experience of having lived and living in other cultural environments, you are given the opportunity to choose among multiple solutions to a problem. That is where thinking becomes required.
While you had accepted in toto the customs and conventions taught by your parents, you now reflect on them, compare them with the solutions that you yourself have discovered, and make a rational judgment as to which solution is best.
How successful that can be depends on how open-minded your environment is, and even if people around you are receptive to alien manners, it may take some time to be understood that your way is a viable alternative.
In other words, if people think you are strange, their closed-mindedness is to blame. How convenient!
I remember reading about an anthropologist who lived in a village in a foreign country for his case study. The very first task was to learn the local language. The village elders assembled for the occasion with a bunch of different leaves.
To teach him how to count?
I don't remember if it was the very first lesson, but anyway, he had to learn the name of each plant, looking at the leaves. For him, they were so much alike that he could not distinguish one from another. Of course, the villagers did not understand why a grown-up like him could not tell the big leaf with small veins and short hair from another big leaf with similarly small veins and short hair, but with different luster.
You mean his mental capacity was inferior to that of a five-year old, as far as the villagers were concerned?
Yes. It took some time for the anthropologist to understand that the ability to identify different leaves was very important in their daily lives, in terms of medicine, toxin and nutrition, and that was why the village elders insisted that he master the art. The villagers themselves could not articulate the purpose of the exercise explicitly, because they had not been exposed to other cultures; they had not consciously examined their ways of life in relation to others'.
Does it mean that the definition of full adulthood is culture dependent?
Consider the case of our anthropologist. He does not have the knowledge and the skills to function as the head of a household in the village. Even surviving on his own is probably impossible. Put differently, he may be an adult in his own country, but no doubt disqualified as such in this village. In many cultures, you become an adult only after you are married and have children. In some others, that is no longer part of proper adulthood.
We can say, then, that maturity is about how well you behave along the socially accepted norms. That further means you will have to adopt whatever the local culture says one should do.
It is impossible to abide by all culture codes that we come across.
Come to think of it, if social conventions are arbitrary and maturity is about following such conventions, being mature is arbitrary. We can't be serious about a standard that is arbitrary to start with and changes from place to place.
The most important component of maturity is about knowing when you are going to violate or have violated the codes, and how you make up for that. I believe how you amend is, in fact, more important than whether you commit a cultural transgression or not; however careful we may be, we all make faux pas.
I know about that one! So, what is your recommended strategy?
Be ready to admit your mistake or conscious violation, and be sincere about your past and future intentions that you did and will not act out of malice. Arrogance is always a bad idea, of course, but self-deprecation can also get absurd.
Should we be insincere if we wanted and want to be malicious?
...
Okay, skip that question. But, aren't we back to the same, fuzzy idea that everything should be in moderation?
Yes, and the world will never agree on what that moderation is.
Three cheers for your pessimism!
Oh no, I'm quite optimistic today. If you haven't noticed, that is a problem.
Blame others at a hint of criticism... So much for mature behavior, I'd say.
I declared that maturity can well transcend cultural boundaries. How more optimistic can one get?
How else can you explain the fact that opening a gift in front of the offerer is considered rude in one culture and not doing so is rude in another culture?
I think those two rules are based on different aspects of the same action. Since it is not nice to show disappointment, it is better to open the gift after the guest has left. This is the rationale for the first one.
As for the second case, promptly unwrapping the gift is supposed to be a sign that the receipt alone has already made you happy. It also allows showing appreciation in person, rather than in a thank-you note to be sent later. This approach requires that you be prepared to smile and look delighted, even when you are given the ugliest and the most useless object in the entire universe.
Your examples do not say customs and conventions are arbitrary. On the contrary, the common, ultimate goal is to convey appreciation for the act of giving itself, that is, regardless of what is given.
You are right. It is all about showing appreciation for one another. But if we agree that the two takes on gift giving make equal sense, the preference of one approach over the other is arbitrary.
You cannot open right then and there, and also later---you have to choose. Plus, if you are inconsistent in the timing of opening, people would start searching for meanings. Did s/he open it right away, because it was from Monsieur Untel and not from Madame Unetelle? Or, because it was bulky and wrapped with a colorful paper?
I have seen quite a bit of frustration among people who crossed the lines of these two types of culture.
Another well known source of friction is how lavish a spread you present when you invite people.
In many cultures, showing that you are stretching your means to entertain the guests is very important. That said, I feel really uncomfortable when a precious goat, sheep, pig, or chicken is slaughtered, just because I am from a far away place or faintly connected to a person who is mighty important to them.
They are eager to chop the heads off, even if you just met them an hour ago.
How am I going to tell them that I am a vegetarian?
The spread issue can go the other way around, too. If you are raised in a culture which says any guest is to be fed until s/he has to lie down for digestion enhancement, some other cultures come across as offensive.
True. One time, I brought a nice bouquet of flowers to a luncheon, only to find out that the hostess had decided to have a rather soggy and plastic-looking pizza delivered, instead of cooking herself.
I suppose she had a coupon?
I think that was the case, indeed. I was shocked, too, that I was the only one who presented something to the hostess.
And that the pizza was served from the box... Are you resentful, because you had gone a long way to compose a bouquet which looked classy, but not as inexpensive as it actually was?
... But I don't remember your coming to the florist or to the luncheon with me!
Isn't it the company and the content of conversation that matter?
In theory, yes. But, to this day, I feel I have to make more dishes than the guests can possibly consume and I consider a "little something" for the host/ess an absolute must.
I thought you were more open-minded.
It's similar to saying "good morning" to strangers on the street. It certainly does not make everyone on earth on good terms with each other, but it is a gesture that acknowledges your presence and existence. I am convinced that contentment in life is made of such seemingly trivial acts.
In short, although you admit that there are various possible ways to achieve the same goal, you are offended if people do not take the way that you prefer.
I would avoid saying offended, but I was disappointed in this particular example. You may think that I only approve of the manners that I am most accustomed to, but not so. After all, what do we have our thinking faculty for?
Conventions are conventions, because some thinking has been done for you beforehand.
If you cross cultural boundaries, you are most likely to encounter customs and conventions that tell you to do what you were told not to do in some other place.
Just as in the case of gift opening.
As a person with the experience of having lived and living in other cultural environments, you are given the opportunity to choose among multiple solutions to a problem. That is where thinking becomes required.
While you had accepted in toto the customs and conventions taught by your parents, you now reflect on them, compare them with the solutions that you yourself have discovered, and make a rational judgment as to which solution is best.
How successful that can be depends on how open-minded your environment is, and even if people around you are receptive to alien manners, it may take some time to be understood that your way is a viable alternative.
In other words, if people think you are strange, their closed-mindedness is to blame. How convenient!
I remember reading about an anthropologist who lived in a village in a foreign country for his case study. The very first task was to learn the local language. The village elders assembled for the occasion with a bunch of different leaves.
To teach him how to count?
I don't remember if it was the very first lesson, but anyway, he had to learn the name of each plant, looking at the leaves. For him, they were so much alike that he could not distinguish one from another. Of course, the villagers did not understand why a grown-up like him could not tell the big leaf with small veins and short hair from another big leaf with similarly small veins and short hair, but with different luster.
You mean his mental capacity was inferior to that of a five-year old, as far as the villagers were concerned?
Yes. It took some time for the anthropologist to understand that the ability to identify different leaves was very important in their daily lives, in terms of medicine, toxin and nutrition, and that was why the village elders insisted that he master the art. The villagers themselves could not articulate the purpose of the exercise explicitly, because they had not been exposed to other cultures; they had not consciously examined their ways of life in relation to others'.
Does it mean that the definition of full adulthood is culture dependent?
Consider the case of our anthropologist. He does not have the knowledge and the skills to function as the head of a household in the village. Even surviving on his own is probably impossible. Put differently, he may be an adult in his own country, but no doubt disqualified as such in this village. In many cultures, you become an adult only after you are married and have children. In some others, that is no longer part of proper adulthood.
We can say, then, that maturity is about how well you behave along the socially accepted norms. That further means you will have to adopt whatever the local culture says one should do.
It is impossible to abide by all culture codes that we come across.
Come to think of it, if social conventions are arbitrary and maturity is about following such conventions, being mature is arbitrary. We can't be serious about a standard that is arbitrary to start with and changes from place to place.
The most important component of maturity is about knowing when you are going to violate or have violated the codes, and how you make up for that. I believe how you amend is, in fact, more important than whether you commit a cultural transgression or not; however careful we may be, we all make faux pas.
I know about that one! So, what is your recommended strategy?
Be ready to admit your mistake or conscious violation, and be sincere about your past and future intentions that you did and will not act out of malice. Arrogance is always a bad idea, of course, but self-deprecation can also get absurd.
Should we be insincere if we wanted and want to be malicious?
...
Okay, skip that question. But, aren't we back to the same, fuzzy idea that everything should be in moderation?
Yes, and the world will never agree on what that moderation is.
Three cheers for your pessimism!
Oh no, I'm quite optimistic today. If you haven't noticed, that is a problem.
Blame others at a hint of criticism... So much for mature behavior, I'd say.
I declared that maturity can well transcend cultural boundaries. How more optimistic can one get?
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