Are you sure? I know some people who are content that today is almost exactly the same as yesterday. They will be unhappy if tomorrow turns out to be dramatically different from today. They are satisfied with little variation in the people that they see, the food that they eat, the clothes that they wear, the work and the entertainment that they engage in.
They do allow well-scripted blips in life. In fact, they need them, because they have an idea of normal course of events and wish to follow it: schooling, employment, marriage, children---and their schooling, employment and marriage. And finally, retirement.
They know the major events, and accept them as they are. Those aside, life is a quiet, long river.
Don't you think they make great monogamists?
They ought to, but even they are sometimes overtaken by the biological urge to let their own genes dominate over others'.
Aha, so that is why Mr. Nextdoor who looks so sedate and boring one day runs away with his secretary who is half his age, abandoning his wife of twenty years, children and an Alaskan Husky...
Let's say that many of Mr. Nextdoor toy with a similar idea and are ready to take off as soon as they find a willing accomplice.
Most simply cannot fulfill the crucial requirement of finding that mate for lack of what they can offer. That is, the privilege is available almost exclusively to the rich and the powerful. Conveniently, they are the ones who have stronger desire to have more mates. Their main motive in life is to control as much as possible.
In other words, there are several reasons why people want different partners. One is purely biological. Some others are psychological: the need to have diversity in life and the desire to conquer.
Many also want to prove to the world that they can attract people, and for some, that desire becomes stronger as they age. Of course, the younger the partner, the better. I understand the mechanism behind, but I can't say that it's fun to watch the process or the result.
Politicians are characterized by their excessive wish to be in charge of the world; they are endowed with above-the-norm desire to control people, including those who could be their sexual mates.
It is ironic, because their lives are more in the public domain than others', and they risk losing the very source of their power by fulfilling the urge to attract and conquer mates.
It looks like the stacks are squarely against monogamy, both biologically and psychologically.
An agreed and fixed partnership is indispensable for child rearing, but that only says anything long-term would suffice and does not exclude polygamy and polyandry.
Is there any reason why we should adhere to monogamy?
If the parties involved had made an agreement to a monogamous relationship, they are morally obliged to remain committed to each other. The question is: what are the grounds for agreeing to such a relationship in the first place.
Especially if you declare not to conceive and/or rear children...
The only reason that I can think of is to avoid chaos in this world. People may make such declarations, but they may well change their minds once in a relationship.
The problem then would be if one wants a monogamous union for the child and the other doesn't.
Keeping partnerships monogamous means keeping it simple, and it helps when it comes to dissolution. Usually partnerships entail division in labor, and the fruits of that labor must be divided in a fair manner. If there are many people involved and if it is unclear who they are, we would be spending quite a bit of resources on this issue. Termination of partnerships are usually unhappy moments and people become quite passionate about obtaining their fair share.
So, the argument for monogamy is minimization of chaos and bickering... It's a rather weak one, isn't it?
We started our conversation today about amusing ourselves. Can you describe what is interesting to you, by the way?
Anything that stimulates my mind and senses.
Do you know what does so?
Anything that is beyond what I have experienced so far.
We know that we don't appreciate just about anything. We also like to be surprised by being pushed beyond our boundaries, and if you have not been aware of where the boundaries lie, all the better.
Not all, but many of us, you mean.
Enlarging your territory of appreciation happens easily when you are not conscious of your limits. You are presented by something that you have never experienced, and only when you begin to appreciate it, you realize that your sense of appreciation had been more limited earlier.
Because you are unaware of your limits, you don't reject outright what is in front of you.
Precisely. The rewards are larger when you do not know at first how the new experience fits in your world.
Which further means that we cannot describe what would greatly pique our interest.
Brilliant, comrade.
It's just that I happened to say what you had in mind, I know...
It's the same with attractiveness of a person. If you meet someone whom you know you wouldn't like, you would not make attempts to see her/him again, unless, of course, it is under some unavoidable circumstances.
Such as when s/he happens to be your boss, right?
If the person is different from those that you have known, but if you do not know how to place her/him in your world, you would not avoid her/him. And if you come to appreciate that person, you like her/him more than you would a person who belongs to your group.
Let's say that it is a possibility. The attraction may become strong, but it can wane quickly, too. After all, s/he is from a different universe.
If we succeed in making that other universe ours, we feel the relationship is rewarding. If that universe happens to be something that contributes to your positive image, the attraction can be quite strong.
A person who did not know anything about opera learns to appreciate it and acquires knowledge in that domain, for example.
Many of us are in need of being exposed to something new, and one person cannot be the gateway to a new territory all the time.
Just as one author cannot provide a reader with all the variety s/he needs in reading?
I have a wonderful cookbook that contains hundreds of recipes from all over the world. Anything from the book comes out great, but I get bored if I cook from it all the time. I get the urge to try something else, something seen through a different pair of eyes.
Isn't that another thumb down for monogamy as you implied last time?
Alas, you are right. And you know, after a period of infidelity, so to speak, I go back to that reliable cookbook.
Almost everything we considered seems to point in the direction of the graveyard for monogamous relationships, but I feel we should try our best to sustain it.
Why?
In order to avoid chaos and to use our resources for something more productive than finding an acceptable separation scheme for partners, as you said.
Well done, comrade. In my opinion, staying attractive is an important everyday goal, in particular vis-à-vis people whom we spend a bulk of our time with. The more often we see a person, the more likely that we bore her/him and vice versa. And, the more important that we do not do so, because we have to see her/him anyway.
What can I say... The most important turns out to be the most difficult.
If we are to keep the monogamous system, we need to constantly renew ourselves. We have to evolve.
But you said there are some people who like to have the same food every single day.
Yes, so here is already a source of friction for a couple. It sometimes happens that one is an evolving type and the other is not. Even if both are evolving types, it could be that their interests and outlooks on life diverge. I know a person who had been very much into opera, but it gradually ceased to move him. He now listens only to bluegrass music and let go of his massive opera recording collection.
You have been living with Plácido Domingo, and one day you realize you want to live with Bill Monroe instead? It's... it's scandalous!
That can happen, you know. We all need to evolve to keep the attention of others, especially the attention of those who are important to you, while retaining the aspects that make you likable and attractive to them.
I'd say it's like a store. In order to have customers visit and spend some money at regular and frequent intervals, you need a set of staples that make you reliable as well as something new for a nice surprise.
That is true if there are more stores than necessary for biological survival. We talked about our desire to have both the familiar and the unfamiliar some time ago. The problem here is how to change yourself in a way that is interesting to your partner and preferably to other friends and family members as well.
Obviously, you can't be a Kiri Te Kanawa married to a Plácido Domingo and change your career into one of a country singer's.
Unless he decides to be a Del McCoury at the same time...
Didn't you say that when you are forced to change in the most unexpected direction, your attraction to that person is the biggest?
I did imply so. But for that, you have to perceive that change as positive or interesting. Otherwise, it would not work. So, our question is again: what do we mean by interesting?
Didn't we agree that it is beyond description by definition? But some idea about it is necessary so that we know how to be interesting or find what is interesting.
Therefore, there is nothing but serendipity that we can rely on for this matter.
What about recommendations by others?
I'm sure you have experienced disappointments when you read books recommended by friends, although they also liked the books that you liked.
That's more of a rule than an exception, I'm afraid.
Or, a friend of a friend for some reason does not become your friend.
That happens, too.
Think about the effectiveness of the algorithms that churn out recommended items based on your previous purchases.
Once I ordered on behalf of a friend a black cape with special pockets which double as sleeping bags for bats, and ever since I have been receiving promotional messages for coffin openers, garlic detectors and so on.
And remember, the bigger the surprise of the good kind, the bigger the attraction.
What is your concluding message for monogamists?
Stay vigilantly hopeful! Boredom kills you, your mate and the relationship! Surprise is a double-edged sword, but...
I don't know if it is necessary to raise your fist, comrade... But hey, shall we make socialist-art posters with those slogans? I have a good example. Look, "Hasta la victoria siempre."
To victory, always!
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