I've been thinking lately how useless apologies are. We should do away with them.
You, the ultimate apology-dispenser and paradoxically also the champion apology-extractor! I am shocked. Is that because you don't want to apologize for not meeting for more than a month? I never dreamed that I would witness your denunciation of apologies. How are you going to define yourself without them?
All right, you want me to apologize for not coming for so long. Is this right?
According to what you have been preaching, an apology at this instant wouldn't hurt.
I'm sorry.
Was that an apology? I thought it was an grunt with 'm' and 'e' sounds. It doesn't make me feel any better.
You see? Apologies are no good.
Of course, if you say it that way, nobody is going to be placated.
You got it, comrade! It all depends on how you say it.
Apologies count only if you say them effectively. It means that they need to be backed sincere feelings of guiltiness.
Not so fast. We only have to pretend that we are sincere.
My goodness, what happened to you?
Nothing, except that I have been exposed to so many fake apologies recently that I am over the edge.
Oh, oh. I know that you are of the type never to return from the other side of that edge.
I am not happy about it either, but I can't do anything. I tolerate, tolerate, tolerate, and one day, boom!
I thought it was a plonk... You know, because you tolerate rather well, you invite more of it, while the parties that have been heaping it on you have no idea that you are retreating step by step toward that grande falaise, one of the Cliffs of Moher.
I tend to get penalized for trying to be decent. By the way, I prefer Cabo Girão which is more than twice the height of the Cliffs of Moher.
Decency requires intelligence. Have you thought about it? An early warning system would help, for example.
Thanks for telling me that I lack intelligence.
You may want an apology for my statement, but I know that I cannot offer a sincere one for such a trivial case. What do you advise?
An apology for something like that? If you offer me one, I would think that you are being sarcastic. Anyway, the most obvious misuse of apologies is to utter one when you do not mean it.
Why do they say it, though?
In order to transfer the guilt to the other party. It would be considered unjust not to accept an apology, even when we know that it is not a sincere one.
Proving insincerity of a statement is impossible, although most of us can tell it.
The latest case that I have been involved in has been marked with great disrespect and insincerity toward me. The perpetrator has been offering apologies in which I have not seen a speck of truthfulness. He has also offered a solution which is totally impractical. After so many rounds of the same farce, I had to tell him that I would judge him by actions and not words.
I heard bits about it. How impractical was the proposed solution?
I tell you, it was as bad as making him run completely naked in circles in deep snow for three hours.
Yikes, it wouldn't be useful, pretty or even funny. What happened next?
I don't think he understood the gravity of the situation. He kept laughing.
Wasn't that some kind of embarrassment?
Even if embarrassment is what it was, it is not permissible to repeat the identical exchange over and over. The more you do, the more absurd the whole incident becomes.
You didn't say all that to your boss, did you?
Mon dieu, who said this has anything to do with him?
That's what I heard, I swear.
The issue here is that apologies are used as a substitute for indulgence. An apology is offered each time the same mistake is committed, but without any intention to avoid one in the future. Another grave problem with respect to apologies is that oftentimes they are given for wrong causes.
People apologize for what they do not need to?
It may sound funny, but yes.
I thought that is what you yourself are guilty of. Quite a few have told you that you don't need to apologize so much, right?
Some see how bad I am feeling about the rut that I managed to put them in, and wish to reassure me that they would overcome that setback. They tell me that I don't have to apologize in such instances.
And others?
They say how wrong it is to apologize for so many things, and in effect, show how little understanding they have of me.
How do you know that you are not committing the mistake that you pointed out?
I sure would be if I apologize only for the wrong causes and not for the right ones.
You offer apologies for just about anything to make sure that every cause has been covered... That may dilute the efficacy of each apology, you know.
But I mean it each time!
It looks like we may understand you better, if we do away with apologies as you proposed.
I did not say that I was going to eliminate the feelings of guilt and the wish to bear responsibility for wrongdoing and errors and to correct them. As I implied earlier, I will continue to express them through actions.
Don't you think it makes a difference to say explicitly that you are sorry?
I do want to hear it from others as long as they believe in it and are planning to follow it up. As for saying it myself, I have to think that I do so for the proof that I am doing my best to be moral. If some complain about my apologies, well, I will just put a big X next to their names.
That may be the best, because we cannot please everyone on the planet and we need to be accountable to ourselves.
Anyway, the serious problem with apologies that I want to address here is the following. Many apologize for something rather trivial and unrelated to the real and bigger issue. For example, I may be upset because my partner---mind you, I had no choice over who that would be---always cunningly takes the easy part of the job and leaves the difficult part for me to deal with. That itself may not be too bad if he does not advertise to others how much contribution he is making.
He senses that you have been unhappy and apologizes profusely for colliding with you in the corridor.
Such people are so skilled at not looking at what is inconvenient to them. Some manage to take advantage of the rumor mill, too.
"Are you guys in bad terms?" "Yeah, we bumped into each other the other day, and I apologized because it was my fault. But..." "Upset because of that?" "Looks like it." And for some reason, they never turn to you to ask what's the matter between you two, right?
I wouldn't say much anyway. What's the point of complaining about the third party?
You firmly believe in discussing any problem with the culprit and not with others.
Another person went as far as to admit that he had become rather self-righteous in a certain domain, but seemed to want to believe that he was not overall a self-righteous soul. I'm afraid he is turning a blind eye to the real problem.
Isn't it usually the case that the parts tell us quite a bit about the whole? People who are cruel to animals tend to suffer from psychological disorders, and are abusive toward fellow human beings as well.
What about people who are nasty toward family members, but nice toward colleagues? It can be the other way around, too.
True, some manage to maintain that duality for decades.
We hear what loving parents some dictators were when their hands had been soaked in tons of blood of others.
Joseph Stalin remains a good example of consistency.
Some other problem cases concern shifting the blame to factors beyond our control by way of apology.
"I lied because the earth orbits around the sun. The motion makes my tongue wiggle." That genre?
It could be a bit less absurd. "I couldn't help snatching your carefully prepared lunch while you weren't looking, because I hadn't eaten anything since last night and it looked so good." Or even more plausible. "I may have the tendency to be self-righteous, but that is because I live alone." That raises the question of: are all who live by themselves self-righteous?
If the answer is no, s/he has to look for an excuse elsewhere.
We try hard to find excuses in our environment, because we do not want to admit that it is our personality or lack of morality that is the true problem. You would be surprised how far we go to avoid questioning who we are.
Isn't that natural?
Yes, and that is why apologies are very often useless. Most of the time, we do not address the real issue with the earnestness that is required to prevent similar incidents. In many cases, apologies are harmful, because they are used as indulgences and put the pressure on the victim of the mistake or wrongdoing to act as if nothing bad had happened. If we are still angry after given an apology, it will be us who would be accused of spitefulness, childishness, and so on.
Having considered all the difficulties of offering useful apologies, you want others to apologize and you plan to apologize as often as you used to after all.
Let's say it is like saying 'good morning.' If you don't, it's rude in most cases. Many people neither think it is a good morning nor want to wish you a good morning, but say it as a courtesy. I want to be civilized enough to say 'good morning' to as many as possible, and would like to hear a pleasant 'good morning' rather than a grouchy one. If people think I am making too big a fuss about 'good morning,' they don't understand me.
Now who wants to understand you?
We all pretend that we either understand each other or are doing our best to reach that goal, comrade.
You are more Machiavellian than usual today. In any case, what do you say about not coming for so long?
I'm really sorry about it, but you know... I don't want to make excuses.
In other words, you could have made it, but you didn't.
It's a matter of priority... Nobody can do million things in a day.
Apology rejected! You are not showing enough remorse, comrade. You should have volunteered to reexamine your morality and personality.
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